Be careful with your wishes

Since I've always stuggled with my weight, I've wished I didn't love food so much. I envied the self control I saw in some to take small portions, enjoy them and be completely satisfied when done. I've wished for the ability to escew high-fat treats like donuts, baked goods, chocolate bars, etc.

But what I wouldn't give to be able to eat a full meal right now, complete with dessert, and not be uncomfortable afterwards. I went to my in-laws last night for dinner. I was famished and kept encouraging my kids to quickly finish the pumpkins they were carving so we could eat.

I thoroughly enjoyed the slice of garlic roast pork, mashed potatoes and gravy, along with the small spoons of beans and corn, but when I was done happily shoveling the smallish-sized plate of food in my mouth, I was in pain. I had to decline the warm apple pie topped by a scoop of vanilla ice cream my mother-in-law served for dessert and instead laid on the couch to encourage the pain-inducing gas to escape my body.

I have to lie on my left side to experience relief. It dawned on me last night, I have a tumour in my upper left quadrant (right below my ribs) that's probably causing all the ruckus. I'm sure when I fill my belly with nourishing food, it pushes against the tumour and I experience pain. That's also probably why I can only release the gas when I lie on my left side and gravity pulls the tumour away from my stomach.

I also desperately wished for this PICC line when I was in the hospital to spare me from constantly being used as a pin cushion to find a new IV site or draw blood, and as a conduit for liquid nutrition. Now it's a pain in the butt (or literally, the arm). Whenever the weekly dressing is changed, the line coming out of my arm shifts slightly so it rubs against my arm, causing it to bleed. So for a few days after the bandages are changed, I experience pain. The skin that's constantly under the bandage is also very itchy. I also have to cover the entire area with a plastic sock-like contraption every time I shower because wetness can lead to infection. I know I'll probably be grateful for the PICC line's existence when I start to get chemo, but right now I'm not thrilled with another contraption sticking out of my body and causing discomfort.

In the past, I've also wished for more time at home to read, relax and spend with my family; hours away from the rat race of work and extracurricular activities. But I certainly didn't want the time if it meant it had to be spent fighting an awful disease like cancer. Quite honestly, I'd rather be working and living a more normal life than having this time at home (and the hospital). Now, a few extra weeks of vacation would always be welcome, but to have time off like this is no fun. I'm stuck in limbo now, and later I'll be getting treatment and recovering from it.

While all three of my wishes came true, my sadistic fairy godmother put a cruel spin on each of them. I think it's time I trade her in on a new (and kinder) model. I think I'm due for some good magic.

So, be careful with your wishes. Or better yet, simply enjoy the abilities and blessings you have in your life today. Don't wish the time nor the good experiences away. They're all precious and you never know when life could change, flipping those wishes upside down.

It's Monday, and while you may be groaning, be thankful for a fresh week, a crisp fall day, a job, the little trick or treaters who'll be ringing your doorbell tonight and perhaps a special excursion or activity planned for this week. It's all good.

Tina