A bit rocky

I'm starting to sense a bit of a pattern with these chemotherapy treatments. I haven't examined the little black book where I write all my treatments, side effects, medications and experiences in detail, but my general impressions are:

• I feel really quite good the first two days after getting chemo. My spirits are high, I have energy and I can generally eat and enjoy smaller meals. I'm sure the strong anti-nausea medication and steroids really help with this general feeling of well-being.
• I start to feel nauseous and have stomach troubles around noon on the Sunday after Thursday's infusion. This also means I start throwing up when I eat too much. Just for the record, the definition of too much can vary by day or type of food. Some of my tastebuds also seem to take a hiatus for a few days. Food and drink just doesn't have as much flavour and therefore, it isn't as enjoyable. While I thoroughly enjoyed Christmas lunch on Sunday, some of it came back to haunt me that afternoon.
• Monday seems to be my worst day. I feel tired, dizzy, headachy, bitchy and generally unwell. I try to sleep. I'm generally not good for much. I really shouldn't be around people very much. I also continue to vomit when I try to eat; much to my chagrin.
• Tuesday = weak and tired. Vomiting may be also be present.
• Overall, mornings tend to be better for me. I have been able to drink coffee and eat breakfast with few issues, but the problems build as the day progresses.

Then I think I turn around and feel slightly better, but the vomiting comes and goes at will. I seriously wish I could control it. I don't like to be able to expel a layer of food practically on demand. Although, I have to admit, when I'm done, I often feel better.

I have this mental delimma: Do I try to eat and if it ends up in the toilet, oh well. I didn't get the nutrients and calories from that food, but I got to enjoy it as I ate it? Or do I avoid eating most things, stick to liquid supplements and Gatorade, so I don't throw up and hope what I do manage to consume gives me the sustenance and energy I need? The first option is actually more fun, but psychologically seems so very wrong.

I'm also still struggling with sleeping through the night. I go to bed around 9 p.m. because I'm so tired, then wake around 3:30 a.m. for the day. I tried a different strategy last night by saving my lorazepam for the middle of the night, hoping its mind-calming properties would coax my body to return to slumber. But when the digits on my alarm clock read 5:38 a.m. and I was still awake, I arose to brew some Hawaiian coffee and turn on my computer. I think I may have to talk to the doc about an actual sleep aid.

To try to catch up on my much-needed sleep, I attempt to nap during the day, but I usually end up lying in bed for an hour or two instead. While this relaxational resting is good, I need actual shut eye. The purple bags under my eyes are testament to my sleep shortage. I also know I need the rest and rejeuvenation for my body and cells as I make my way through this recovery week. It's during this time when my blood counts will drop to their lowest before picking back up.

One good observation I've noticed over the last couple of days is a lack of bruising. By this time last cycle, I experienced nose bleeds and mysterious bruises on my body, indicating dangerously low red blood cell counts. As a result, I had to delay treatment by a week and get a blood transfusion.

So far, I've got some tenderness on my hands, but the quarter-sized purple spots on my thighs, arms and hands haven't appeared. So maybe switching the chemo to Cisplatin and dosing it over two infusions is working to keep my levels in acceptable ranges so I can continue to get my treatments on schedule. Let's pray that's the case because I certainly don't want any more delays.

I have to admit, I'm a little frustrated in the lack of change I'm noticing in my health after two rounds (four treatments) of chemo. I expected the fluid/gas in my abdomen to be gone (and it seems to be bigger than ever). I thought the pressure on my stomach would cease so I could eat and not vomit. I'm a little worried the chemo isn't working - and that scares me a great deal. I don't want this stupid disease to have any more time to grow and wreak more havoc in my abdomen. I need treatment that works. The cancer must die now!

To alleviate this fear, I'm going to ask for a CT scan after my third round of treatment (infusions five on Jan. 5 and six on Jan. 12) so we can get a better understanding of what's happening inside me. Dr. W mentioned testing half-way through to assess and I'm going to follow-up with him to ensure we do just that. I think I could be more patient and cope better if I knew the chemo we've chosen is working. But, if this treatment regime isn't working, let's move on to another one that will. I've had enough.

But for now, I take it one day at a time, navigating the rocky road and all the pebbles, boulders, pitfalls and slippery sections along the way. Hopefully, one day soon, the path will smooth and picking my way along won't be such a physical and emotional feat.

Tina