Perspective

I know my blogs haven't been very cheery lately because of how ill I've been feeling. While the writing is honest and part of documenting my journey with this beast called cancer, it gets tiresome to be negative all the time. With Christmas drawing near, I thought I'd switch my thoughts around on this Monday morning and remember things for which I'm thankful.

This list isn't exhaustive, nor is it in any particular order:

1. My wonderful and handsome husband who rubs my back, does extra chores around the house, lets me rest and loves me unconditionally.  
2. My kids, who must be scared and confused watching their mom be so sick, and yet do their best to help me and understand.
3. Family and friends, near and far, with all their support - calls, food, emails, visits, massages, prayers, etc. You guys rock.
4. Christmas dinner at my Aunt Carol and Uncle Vince's on Saturday - Yummy turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, dressing, corn, good company, lots of hugs and family. I felt pretty pathetic and lethargic, but my entire family was understanding and supportive. It was so good to see everyone after such a long time too.
5. Roast beef dinner and playing cards with good friends last night - I'm proud to say I cooked a roast exactly the way I wanted, with an herbed crust and pink in the middle. It was delicious. And it was awesome to share it and then play cards with Di and Pete. (The awesome massage Di gave me helped enormously too.)
6. I get chemo on Thursday. Now, many people would lament the arrival of an upcoming treatment because it means side effects and misery. But I want this cancer to go away and to get some semblance of my body/stomach back, so I need to shrink these tumours. It's sad I'm looking forward to Thursday. I'm hoping this next round of chemo means relief, so I'll be able to enjoy Christmas.
7. I'm grateful I can go in my hot tub. I love it, and the warm, pulsating waters help ease the soreness in my body. Theoretically, it should also keep my gastrointestinal systems moving and increase healing circulation.
8. And speaking of my GI tract, my bowel movements have become more regular over the past couple of days. I'm thankful for the cleansing. The discontinuation of the steroids probably helps because they can be constipating little buggers. Even though I'll get more Dexamethasone again on Thursday with chemo, at least things will be moving as they should before I start the cycle again. (Yup, I'm talking about being thankful for poop. Little things can become so significant sometimes.)
9. My side effects with this chemo haven't included (at least not so far): skunky mouth, intense bone aches, the deep dark well of misery (aka the dementors), tingling in the hands and feet, hair loss and chemo brain. Some may appear on subsequent treatments, but they haven't been present so far.
10. Feeling good - It may be an hour or a day, but I have segments of time when I actually feel pretty good. I'm hoping those times lengthen and become more common. For now, I'm thankful when I can sit and think, "Yup, I feel okay."

I know, except for the first few, it's not a typical list, but it's reality for me today.

Even though I desperately wish my health would improve, I'm sometimes jolted back to reality when I hear about those who are worse off than I. This morning, I learned about a woman who has stage IV lung cancer with horrible options and a bad prognosis. Hearing her news made me stop and think my situation could be worse. It also made me remember my health does have great potential to improve.

It's so easy for me to get caught up in my own misery and be impatient though. I'm living it; surrounded by the sensations 24/7. I'm only human. I get tired, scared and worn down. But, I have to remember it's not all bad. That's why thinking about that woman and creating my thankful list this morning was so important. There are good things in my life and I need to focus on them.

I know I ask this regularly, but I think it's important: Take a minute today and remember three unique things in your life for which you're especially thankful.

Tina