Sliver of patience

I'm now on recovery week from chemotherapy, with treatment starting again next Thursday. I'm happy to have the time to clear up some of the small side effects I've experienced and gear up for the next round of treatment.

Part of me wants more treatment now to shock the tumours and beat them into submission more quickly. This is where patience is paramount because I know I need to rest and recover so my body can do its job throughout all the treatments. It needs to be strong to give the ninjas the best environment to continually attack the cancer.

I've been taking advantage of my good days; those when I'm feeling energetic. This week I did some Christmas shopping, wrapping, organizing and planning. I feel accomplished I got so much done. But I'm now feeling the effects of all that activity. I woke with a headache and a lethargic feeling. As a result, I'll probably have to scale back the to-do list I planned for today. I have to keep telling myself I still have lots of time to get all those jobs done.

I know the extra week of steroids contributed to my energy burst. They stimulated my mind, helped me eat and made me feel much better. But my prescription for those little white pills ended on Wednesday. Yesterday afternoon, right on cue, my stomach hurt from eating lunch. And Bitchy Tina is hovering right around the edges of my personality, taking exception to noises, comments and just about everything. She's certainly no pleasure to be around; not even for me. My poor family bears the brunt of this ugliness.

I also continue to be plagued by slow bowels. I pleadingly coax poops from my system every couple of days with all the medications and a recommended laxative, but I'm no where near as regular as I should/used to be. So, with the ability to eat, but no system cleansing movements, I eventually encounter a lack of space in my digestive tract. And so, once again, I've had a few vomiting issues.

On a positive note, my belly is still relatively soft and not extremely distended by ascities. And the warm, swirling waters of the hot tub help ease my aching muscles. Thank God for the small miracles.

A few other minor side effects have made an appearance over the past week. I've started getting blood in my nose and when I scrape or cut myself, the blood doesn't clot as quickly. I've also had a few mysterious bruises and marks appear on my body over the past few days. I've also noticed the appearance of little red dots around my body. The blood vessels in my face also break more easily, especially when I've been vomiting, giving me a flush appearance.

I'm guessing my red blood cells aren't quite up to snuff, which is a common side effect of the chemotherapy. Hopefully, they'll rejeuvenate before my appointment with Dr. W next Tuesday, so he can give me the green light for treatment on Thursday. The last thing I want is a delay.

It's only the beginning of official treatment, but I'm feeling the effects of its ups and downs more quickly. I know I'm complaining again, but it's so hard to feel good, be hopeful and then get plunged back down into the gunkiness.

The emotional roller coaster ride also makes me feel a bit like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I want treatment to kill the cancer, but I don't want to go through the side effects. I love the steroids because they make me feel well and help me eat, yet I'm scared of them and what they may do to my body. I love to eat, but when my bowels don't work, I hate throwing up. I get nausea, vomiting and stomach pain when I don't take the steroids. I feel energetic. I feel tired. I am happy and pleasant. I'm grumpy and impossible. Argh!

I think I need to dig a little deeper in my bag of tricks to find a sliver of patience for today. I'm sure a few deep breaths and repeating my "one day at a time" mantra will come in handy.

Tina