Positive vs negative

I'm a human being, and as such, I still have the same petty, stupid, ridiculous emotions everyone else experiences. The problem is, when I act irrational and get aggravated about an everyday slight or action, I feel I'm wasting time. I have a terminal illness, and as such, I shouldn't be using the hours I have left on these negative feelings.

I'm going to use an example from last night (sorry Michael) to demonstrate. His sister and brother-in-law stopped by to visit and show us some wedding photos. They stayed about an hour and a half. During that time, Michael went to pick our daughter up from a friend's, where she was working on a school project. Michael decided to walk to this rendezvous with our dog, missing at least half an hour of the visit. Our dog does need the exercise. Walking is generally a great idea. But it annoyed me he chose to deek out on our company because I thought it was rude.

Anyone who knows me understands I generally turn inward and grow quiet when I'm upset. So conversations were short last night and I went to bed shortly after the company left. I'm better today, the whole incident has blown over in my mind. There's often no sense hashing it out because sometimes I just need time to come to terms with the fact different people have varied priorities.

Like the time when Michael and I were cleaning the house in preparation for a dinner party and he thought it was a good time to defragment the computer. No one would see it. It didn't need to be done that minute. Yet it took up time I thought should be spent eliminating the grime from the visible areas of our house. Argh!

Since I've been so sick, these little disagreements - that are a normal and healthy part of life - bother me. I feel they waste valuable time and good, emotional energy between me and the people in my life, so I shouldn't feel this way. But getting cancer didn't eliminate the irrational, emotional side of my brain that doesn't always make sense. It also didn't make the world all sunshine and rainbows where people always see eye-to-eye and get along. So I will continue to struggle with experiencing normal feelings and the sense they're chipping away at precious time.

When you feel time may be limited, it also hard to come to terms with and accept relationships and feelings can't always be lovey-dovey, positive, sweet, tender and co-operative. I want (and feel) all of it should be good, making cherished memories, having valuable experiences. But people are people. We have good and bad days. All our emotions and reactions aren't positive, nor are they the same as those around us. Differences make us special, unique and interesting to one another, but that means we aren't always going to agree.

On the positive side, cancer allows me to let go of more slights, disagreements and negative emotions than I have in the past. I try to focus on the good in others. I value my friendships and relationships more. I also try to determine the root of an action before reacting to it. There's a lot of stress with an illness, which can often be the source. I'm also far more contemplative than I was in the past, giving people the benefit of the doubt and delving into the personal reasons for words or actions. Time is short and holding onto stupid grievances is a waste of time and energy.

As I told a friend the other day, it's important to surround yourself with people who give you energy and happiness, and eliminate (or at least cut back) on the time you spend with those who suck your spirit. There's way too much negative drama in some people's lives, so I try to avoid it. It does me no good.

Surround yourself with life-sustaining people because they're the ones who fill your energy reservoirs. We can all use lots of good, powerful energy in our lives.

Tina