Baggage

It's amazing the amount of baggage we all carry around from our experiences in life. They shape who we are, how we think, our reactions to situations and our internal thoughts about ourselves. Some make us better people, but others create unreasonable or harmful side effects that follow us through life.

My cancer diagnosis, and brush with mortality and death significantly changed me. Every day I try to pull the good out of my experience and make myself a better person. I feel my reprieve from the disease gives me the opportunity to be thankful and make the most of my life. It also makes me different.

My therapist and I discussed this reality yesterday. We were working on a tramatic early teenage memory with eye-movement desensitization process (EMDR), where the left and right sides of the brain work together to logically process emotional situations. I struggled to fit in during junior high, feeling I was too different, alone, struggling and unworthy. EMDR helped me process that memory so it's not tramatic for me any more. I've almost boxed it up and kicked it to the curb, like all the other unwanted trash.

Yet reopening that memory made me realize that feeling of not fitting in I experienced in junior high school can also describe my situation right now. I experienced a life-changing, mind-altering experience. I am still afflicted by fears (rational and irrational) and suffer from post tramautic stress disorder (PTSD). But I also discovered wonderful things about myself and others that I want to keep alive.

In short, I'm a different person. In many ways, I'm a better person. I still have lots to work on (who doesn't), but I'm pretty satisfied with my life and the people with whom I've chosen to share it.

I guess I still struggle a little bit to find a place where this new, albeit better person fits. It can be lonely. It can be rewarding. In the end, I am satisfied with who I am. I guess that's what really matters.

Cancer was a curse and a gift. It's my job to make lemonade from the sour yellow fruit. I welcome anyone along for the ride.

Tina