Introspection and improvement

When on any journey in life, it's important to stop every once in a while and take a status check: Where are you in life? What's going well? What isn't so hot? How can you change the parts you don't like? Where do you want to go from here?

But it's really easy to get caught up in work, family responsibilities, activities, chaos and the lives of others (because face it, some people have WAY more drama in their lives than can possibly be good and it's so easy to get sucked into it). But if you don't take the time to examine you, how can you possibly be getting the most out of your life?

While I usually completed this introspection a couple times a year before my cancer diagnosis - especially when I was feeling unsatisfied with some portion of my life - I find I do it more now. My realistically shorter lifeline gives me a smack-in-the-face realization there's only so much time, and I can't continually put things off until tomorrow. But if we all think about it, there's no time guarantee for any of us.

Self-introspection is hard because it makes us examine aspects of ourselves we may not like and face realities we'd rather keep buried. If we're really serious about the exercise, it also forces us to make changes in our lives.

We can't keep doing the same things and expecting different results.

My blog helps me sort out many of these thoughts and issues. To talk to all of you, I have to figure out what I'm going through. But I also see an awesome social worker, who raises different questions and prompts me to think about siutations in new ways. I generally walk out of her office with a couple of new things to comtemplate. Sometimes these ideas make me look at my world slightly differently, and other times they prompt change and action.

But in the end, it's all good. These exercises help me make those very important steps forward. And one of the best things about working with a therapist is the work can - and should be - all about you. It's your issues and how you can change things in your life. It's about figuring out what will make you better, happier, more fulfilled or healed.

A recurring theme over my last couple of sessions has been trying to live my life to the fullest against the struggle of feeling sick for so long, and therefore feeling stagnant. I know I've touched on that topic in my blog a few times. It's hard being hopeful, planning and enjoying events when it's a struggle to get up and put on a brave face every day. Yet, I feel I'm wasting time. So I struggle with that paradox.

I'm also trying to deal with the notion of slipping in and out of my normal life. I have a life where I'm busy with work, activities, friends and engagements, from which I disappear for long stretches of time about once a year. That gets a bit harder each time because of the lack of social contact a normal life gives me. With each bout with cancer, I also find I have less time and energy to be social and engaging, which makes me feel guilty I'm not as present with the lives of my family and friends. The entire experience also leaves me more isolated.

But please don't take my last comments as throwing shadow on my amazing support system. My village is amazing and I am so lucky so many wonderful people choose to be part of it. That means there are lots of different people to step in, hold my hand, offer words of comfort and ensure I'm doing okay. God bless you all.

As you can tell from my rambling writing, I still have some thoughts to sort out from my social worker session yesterday; but I'm comforted by the small forward momentum in my brain. I like working on myself to make me better and to improve my life. We've only got one to live, so we need to make the most of it.

Tina