Starting over again

I have to admit, I'm a bit anxious about my chemotherapy treatment this afternoon. This will be the first one of the new regime, that will infuse paclitaxol into my veins. I know the nurses and doctors have done this hundreds, if not thousands of times, and will have all the right paperwork completed and the correct prescriptions ordered, but for some reason I'm nervous about it. Will I get the right anti-nausea medication for this chemo? Should I be doing something different?

I'm think I'm also anxious because my treatment isn't until this afternoon. Blood is at 12:40 p.m. and chemo is at 1:40. I have to wait all morning, and I don't like that. I want to get up, get going, get it done and over with - knowing there are no complications.

Maybe that's the fear - there will be complications. Taxol is a strong chemo and some people react to it. I had a very slight reaction during my very first treatment back in 2009, but nothing since (and I've had it 11 more times).

I'm also struggling with mixed emotions this morning. I'm happy I'm getting the new treatment; one that may eat away at the tumours in my belly. But I'm sad because it's like I'm starting treatment all over again. Instead of writing, this is treatment 6A (and 6 is the last), I'm writing about chemo 1A. The whole idea of being on treatment indefinitely depresses me. But I'll pull out my mantras:

Do whatever is necessary (that seems to be a new one I've been using lately)

One day at a time

Die cancer die

With resolution, mixed feelings and these fortifying words, I'll head to the cancer suite this afternoon and hope for the best.

Tina