Today is the first day I've had to just be since we officially heard the news my cancer is coming back. A small part of me feels angry. I am so mad this is happening yet again. I'm sure this anger could be useful in the future, but today, not so much.
But big parts of my heart and soul are so very, very sad. I'm so melancholy I'm practically listless. Conversation is even a chore for me today. This morning, Michael asked me if I was angry with him. No, I'm not angry at my wonderful husband. I'm afraid of leaving him.
Nothing is wrong and everything is.
I feel bloated more often now that I know the ascities is sloshing and growing in my abdomen. Symptoms like tenderness and gas that I tried to attribute to my hernia and, well, gas are probably the fluid pushing up on my stomach and abominal cavity.
It's a long weekend and Michael, Noah and I are house and dog sitting in Port Franks - at the spa. You'd think that would make me joyously happy. But I'm not. It's as though the waves of depression are washing up on my beach and I'm just an inch away from their frothy foam. They're trying to pull me into their watery depths and I don't have a lot of energy to resist.
Speaking of the lake, the water is freezing and during the key beach times it's packed because it's a long weekend. So we've been hanging out around the house. And that's fine with me.
I know these words and down emotions may concern some of you, but I will be okay. This is just a step on the path. My way of processing before moving forward.
Your blue friend,
Tina
It's likely not a coincidence you feel that way in the safe company of family surrounded by nature. I'd be concerned if you didn't feel that way sometimes. Glad you don't feel "obliged" to put on a brave face. [Duane]
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