It was a strange weekend for me emotionally. I went from feeling content and happy, to grumpy and withdrawn. I think I know why.
Easter weekend last year, I didn't feel well. I complained to my sister about my growing belly and how I looked six months pregnant. I talked to her about the benefits of probiotics and the early signs of irritable bowel syndrome, because that's what I was convinced I had. I didn't eat much and I was worried.
In hindsight, I had good reason to be worried - and for a far bigger reason than irritable bowel syndrome.
So, this past weekend was a reminder of a time before I knew I had cancer. A time before the craziness started. I was wistful, recalling life before cancer. Yet, I was also thankful I'm here to celebrate this year, this spring, this celebration, my family and my life.
On the way home from Easter dinner Saturday night, Michael kissed my hand and said, I'm glad you were here to celebrate with us. It's like he plucked the words right from my head.
While I was contently happy on Friday morning, anticipating the long weekend. By yesterday I was irrationally irritated. So I buried myself in a book and spent some time with myself.
Even though I don't have those woman parts any more, I think I still have cycles. Yesterday would have been a PMS day. Of course, it could also be the emotional roller coaster of menopause. Or it could be just the time of year.
I suspect April is going to be a hard month for me. I can feel myself get more and more stressed as I approach the anniversary of my diagnosis. I think it's going to be a difficult day because of the memories it'll evoke.
To top it off, mom starts her chemotherapy on April 14 (my sister's birthday). I'm sure the worry about her, contributes to my feelings of unease. She's a tough cookie and will get through it just fine, but it sucks.
Luckily, my sister and I will wrap the month up with a trip together. It's long overdue. We're heading to Myrtle Beach for four days of relaxing, walking on the beach, swimming in the pool, reading books, shopping, eating and enjoying beverages. There we'll belatedly celebrate her birthday and my remission.
While the next two weeks in April will be very difficult, I can anticipate the rainbow at the end of the storm.
Tina
Hi Tina,, I thought I would respond to this post. I also remember this time last year... we were all so very excited about the Deli opening, the upcoming summer to spend on the beach or just hanging out at the spa, you were excited about taking your camping trip to Algonquin and within a week everything came crashing down around you, Mike, the kids, your family, friends and all the people who became your clan from work.
ReplyDeleteIt conjured up fears in all of us deep in the depths of our soul,,, 'ovarian cancer'!! No one ever survives 'ovarian cancer'!! So we joined together, cheered you from our own sidelines, did what we could to help, we listened, we prayed, we painted, we made food, we gave you places to come and visit (the spa... :) ) and we held your hand and cried tears with you when we couldn't be as brave as you were any longer.
Tina, in seven weeks it will be a year since we all shaved our heads,,, I've now had four haircuts, you've had two (?) since yours has returned and life has returned to somewhat normal. Your are no longer in remission you are a survivor (since you have now started to live again) and we still cheer you from our own personal sidelines, we will gather for the Team Tina second annual run, we continue to read your blogs, we will continue to listen to your trials and tribulations of not being as strong as you once were,, we'll laugh at your 'clutziness' as you tumble on your butt in the gym, and we will listen to your dreams of upcoming holidays with Angie or to (the former) Yugoslavia for our 50th birthday (I will pack you in my suitcase if you won't come). I still plan on your retiring to Port Franks with Pete and I, when you guys can afford it, so we can continue the lifestyle of the spa. I plan on many MANY more years to celebrate your birthday, Mikeys birthday, Noah and Taras' birthdays, my birthday, Petes' birthday.
As my favorite saying goes, 'it's just life',,, but I'm so very happy that your still a very favorite part of my life.
I love you very much. xoxo