Better

The drugs must be kicking in because I feel much better today. In fact, I haven't felt this good in well over a week. While I still have gas - which is thankfully still coming out instead of staying in - and some aches and pains, I'm no longer throwing up. Ah, the small blessings.

It's funny, up until two or three weeks ago, I didn't even think of myself as being sick. Sure, I was blowing up like a balloon with fluid, which required a pigtail and draining, but that was more of an inconvenience. A small blip on the screen with wellness.

And yes, sometimes eating would make me double up with pain, but I thought it was my battle with the gas in my abdomen, not big fluid-filled tumours occupying my belly.

I'd sit in a room sometimes and commiserate about a friend with a cold, shingles or an injured ankle, but I didn't think about me and having cancer. I just didn't think of myself as sick. Although, truth be told, I was far sicker than anyone else in that room (and most rooms for that matter).

Perspective is a funny thing.

I guess knowing the results of the CT scan, the presence of all those cysts and the seriousness of the situation, knocked reality back into my noggin. I am sick. I'm actually really sick. Not that I'm prepared to succumb to anything, but that dash of cold water put my pain, bloating and vomiting into perspective. It made my mind meander down dark roads to death, but also made me realize it's time to pull up my socks and get moving. If I weren't getting the Regorafinib tomorrow, I'd certainly be pushing for chemo or some other treatment to get this nasty, aggressive scurge under control.

Unfortunately, since I started throwing up and feeling bad every day, I  have felt sick. That is probably one of the hardest things for me. I don't want to be dependent. I don't want people feeling sorry for me and using that syrupy tone (luckily not many do that) of sympathy.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate all the help offered and the generous kindness, but I don't want people to feel sorry for me. Feel bad, angry, sad or frustrated with me, but please don't pity me. Even though it's meant with the best possible intentions, I hate seeing those looks in the eyes of those who love me.

But on the bright side, I feel better today and I get Regorafinib tomorrow. I will be on the path to feeling better and starting to kick this cancer in the ass again!

Tina