A little more patience

The poem, the prayers and perhaps even a poop dance or two helped. I'm going again. It doesn't feel like it's often enough because I still have that backed-up feeling and eating solid food causes discomfort. But I feel marginally better.

I suspect there's more to my abdominal discomfort than the food moving through my system too slowly. I'm hoping the stealthy ninjas of the Regorafinib are attacking the cancer cells, causing them to shriek, swear blue streaks of nasty gas and convulse wildly before succumbing to their painful death. That explanation would make the bloating, rib and back pain, and cramping acceptable. Short-term pain for long-term gain.

That's one of my biggest fears right now, the long-term gain will never come. I've felt pretty crappy since I started filling with fluid in June. Oh, I've had good days and okay days, but I've also had really bad ones. After awhile, when the bad days outnumber the good ones, it's tough. Then I wonder, "Is my health going to recover? Am I ever going to feel really good again? Is this my new reality? Should I be thankful for the pretty good days and hours, celebrating those?"

In other words, am I heading down the road where I won't get better again? That's a really tough question.

But then I think, chemo worked before and Dr. H is convinced the toxic cocktail will work again. Sure, I felt really, really crappy when in treatment, but I had some good days. When treatment was done, I recovered and felt good. It may not be the best option to give me a lot of time before a reoccurence, but it gives me some good time to have fun, travel, celebrate, enjoy and be with my family and friends.

But I've chosen to try the Regorafinib route, which leaves the chemo as a back-up plan. Theoretically, it makes sense to try a drug that specifically targets three pathways in the cancer cells to kill them. It seems advantageous to destroy only cancer cells, rather than all rapidly-dividing cells. I also believe in trying new therapies, because those smart scientists are going to discover something amazing to beat back and conquer cancer. I also believe this clinical trial gives me another, different way - other than chemotherapy - to attack the aggressive scourge in my abdomen. I believe it can give me more time. And a longer period between reoccurence means more time for those brilliant researchers to make a breakthrough.

But it's hard to be patient and optimistic when feeling yucky. (Compounded by niggly thoughts this is my new reality.) Since I haven't felt well in months, it's also hard to believe I'll feel better again. But I have to hold onto hope my doc will help me find a balance with the Regorafinib and my quality of life will improve.

I need to dig deep inside myself and find a little more patience to keep going.

Tina