A low day

Moan, bitch, grumble, sigh.

When my feet hit the floor after crawling out of bed this morning, I felt the heaviness in my body and spirit. I'm trying to open my mind to the wonders of the universe and all the blessings I have in it, but I have a feeling this day may be a little rougher than some.

I hate to complain. I hate to unload my burdens on others, because I'm afraid doing so will push them away - just when I need them most. I also don't want to generate worry, fear, guilt, helplessness, anxiety, indifference or scorn (suck it up, buttercup) in those close to me.

This fear is something I've been talking to my therapist about: Sometimes I'm afraid to be just me in all my ugly glory because of the reaction it may illicit in others. I'm also unconfortable with conflict. But when I hold back with others I care about, I'm jeopardizing true back-and-forth, honest communication. So it's something on which I have to work.

I hurt this morning. While there's no big owie making me cringe and cry, lots of little ones are ganging up to poke the tear ducts. My stinky, churning gas is still rolling around in my abdomen and sneaking out to attack the world with its olafactory badness.

My stomach really hurts at times. I now almost continuously put food in it to try to quell its discomfort. Being full of carbohydrates (to suck up something that's irritating it?) seems to help, but I can't just keep eating. And it doesn't always work. The semi-relentless nature of the discomfort is really wearing me down.

One of the listed side effects of the Regorafinib is hand and foot rash, producing red, peeling, sore appendages. I've got it, especially on my fingertips. They feel swollen, tight and tingly, but they're also painful as though I decided to run them across a fine cheese grater for a little while. Heat and too much pressure exacerbates the discomfort. Applying cream temporarily helps. Apparently, the doc can prescribe a cream to help, and I'll be sure to ask for one when I see him on Monday.

Another stupid pain I've got today results from a slight accident yesterday afternoon. I got my drainage tube caught and it pulled my pigtail, producing a sharp, fleeting pain. Tenderness and pain appeared in that area and internally since. Sheesh.

And then I'm tired. I know it's a side effect and to be expected. But it's a weary tired.

After my homecare nurse visit last night, I came to the not-so-swift-on-the-uptake conclusion I'm taking oral chemotherapy - and an experimental one at that. I'm just discovering and learning how to deal with the side effects this form of treatment takes.

So while I'm sitting here typing, "wah, wah, wah," I'm hoping the day will get better, my mood my lift and I'll discover some hidden gem that makes life worth living.

Here's hoping you discover some wonderous tidbit in your life today too.

Tina