It's 2 a.m.

I can't shut off my brain. I've been trying to sleep for the past 2-1/2 hours with no luck. Now I'm listening to the thunderstorm outside and waiting for the lorazepam to take effect.

I broke down and took the little, white pill for the first time in about 10 months. I didn't want to go back on the medication, but the combination of the dexamethazone (a steroid) my doc prescribed to help with my vomiting and the thoughts swirling around in my head prompted me to search out the prescription bottle about 20 minutes ago.

I'm worried.

I vomited twice today. Once this morning and once about 1 a.m. While the meds are starting to get gas moving in my body, which feels so much better, the food is obviously not moving fast enough and my body expels it. To be honest, I feel so much better when I throw up. An empty stomach is far more comfortable. But it's certainly not healthier.

I secretly am pleased I'm losing weight, but I also feel guilty that I'm happy. I know it's wrong. It certainly isn't a smart weight-loss solution and I'm losing muscle as well as fat. I'm still bloated and jiggly, just lighter. And worst of all, I can't control this weight loss program. I have no control to stop it when I want. I don't want to waste away and feel lethargic from lack of nutrients. We have to turn this bus around soon.

I also started expelling blood from my port as I drained today, in quantities I haven't seen since I got the pigtail inserted. Perhaps my vomiting aggravated something, and it's bleeding. Maybe the meds designed to move things along caused injury to the fluid-filled cyst at the base of my stomach. I don't want to think about more serious issues for the blood generation. Of course, I'll mention it at my appointment on Tuesday.

I'm tired of experiencing pain much of the time. I don't know how those with lifetime chronic pain do it. Sure, mine is manageable with Tylenol and a lot of moaning, but it's also depressing. It limits my actions and affects my mood.

I'm so scared I've started down the slippery slope to not feeling better ever again. The road to dying. I'm more scared for Michael and the kids than I am for me. I can't imagine learning to live without my soul mate and carrying on with raising the children, going to work, planning vacations, going out and participating in life. I can't imagine losing my mom at such a young age. I worry about my kids remembering me, how they'll develop, how my dying would affect them.

Sure, I'm afraid of the pain and uncertainty of dying. I'm not ready for it yet. I don't want to miss out on all life still has to offer, the experiences I will have. I want to grow old with Michael, participate in the lives of my children and shower love on my future grandchildren. I don't want to leave my family and friends. But most of all, I don't want to cause the hurt and grief my leaving this world would create.

Tuesday can't come soon enough. In two days, I'll start on the potentially life-prolonging medication that will also help me feel better. Sure, there may be side effects, but bring 'em on. It's gotta be better than this, and all the worry its causing.

Well, I think the lorazepam is starting to kick in, so I'm going to try to lay my head back on my pillow and drift into dreamland. I need the rejeuvenation - and blissful ignorance - sleep can bring.

Night,
Tina