Blessed sleep

I broke down and took my little, white lorazepam before trundling off to bed last night. I thought with the depth of my tiredness and the magic mind-melder, I'd drift into dreamland within seconds. But apparently, my mind is treasure trove of swirling thoughts and emotions, so it took longer than I anticipated. However, the hazy combination did open my mind to different thoughts and ideas, which is never a bad thing.

I had an amazingly tough and thought-provoking appointment with the my social worker yesterday. Our discussions produced revelations about myself. Some I knew, and some blew me away. I'm still processing the information I learned (and I'm sure forgetting at least half of it) and then I'm going to look at ways to incorporate new actions into my life to get more of the reactions I desire/need. I know it all sounds convoluded and I'm not even sure how to accomplish what I want, but awareness and desire to change is the first step. But some of it is also scary and makes me vulnerable, so we'll see where that goes.

I may share more later, but that pathway opened by my therapist also led to a little talk with God before bed last night, which produced it's own back-and-forth, chaotic results. I'm still struggling a little bit with that relationship because I'm frustrated and angry, which then makes me feel guilty. I almost don't feel worthy of His attention or sense He's listening to me. I believe the prayers of others hold more weight with the Big Guy, which is why I appreciate it when anyone else offers to say put in a good word on my behalf.

But, I have faith, I know He's there, I just have to reach out and invite Him into my life more. Like many of my relationships, I have to open myself up to being who I am - the good, bad, ugly, wonderous, silly, petty, overwhelming, loving, contradictory individual I am.

Whoa, what a giant philosophical topic for a Friday morning. I didn't expect my fingertips to spew out this message, but it must be floating on the surface of my mind. And, good or bad my dear readers, you're the recipients.

On a more practical note, I asked for BMs, and I got them yesterday. But I also asked for a big draining and it is still concerningly slow. My homecare nurse said if it doesn't improve and I swell up like a balloon again, I'd probably need to go to the hospital to ultrasound it, see what's up and potentially move it. Ack! Like I want to go through that again, especially when I'm on the drug that may quickly dry up the fluid.

So I'm hoping the little bits of draining I'm currently getting will be enough to keep  me comfortable until the Regorafinib can work its wonderous, fluid-sucking magic. (Although I will continue to watch the tube, willing the ascities to flow, flow, flow.)

Oh the strange things I have to worry about on this journey called cancer.

Thanks for indulging my weird and wild (and cryptic) ramblings this morning. I appreciate your sympathetic ears and accepting understanding.

Happy Friday,
Tina