When one lives with a crazy range of emotions so near the surface, it's not surprising a small incident or errant word can affect mood in the blink of an eye. Michael and I seem to be living in that particular world right now and it's a tough place to be. I'm sure it's extremely difficult for those close to us too.
I can go from being fine to irritable to bursting into tears with little notice. I was chipper this morning, chatting with a friend. Then I got my tube connected to my port caught, tugging against my abdomen and I almost burst into tears. Of course, it doesn't help the area is sore because the dressing/tape/lack of air around the area is affecting the integrity of the skin and a piece tore off during dressing changing this morning. Ouch!
Last night, I rapidly turned irritable because of tiredness and a fairly innocuous action of Noah's. I was calm and fine, and then I was an angry grump.
And Michael is feeling the effects of stress, worry, chaos, uncertainty and watching me live in discomfort - which unfortunately changes from day to day. My honey is a sensitive soul - one of the things I love about him - so this whole situation is extremely hard on him.
The entire range of possible emotions float just below the turbulent surface of our minds. What rises to the top depends on which way the wind blows or what falls into the pool of our consciousness. Unfortunately, more often than not, it's negative feelings and reactions that tend to appear. If, and when, we have more answers or certainty, the waters should be calmer and allow for more rational reactions. And hopefully, it will allow more positive, hopeful and joyous feelings to buoy up too.
Until then, we're doing the best we can. And as a friend wisely pointed out to me yesterday, that's perfect. We can only do our best.
Tina
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