Before cancer

A couple of weeks ago, I read a blog by a woman who was mourning her life before cancer (I can't find the blog any more or I'd link to it). That thought has raced around in my head since I read her insights and realized I too am mourning old Tina.

I miss her: The woman who:

• Had ambition, gumption, energy, interest
• Was interesting
• Could still do cartwheels on the front lawn with her daughter. (Now I'm afraid to try for fear of breaking my nose.) 
• Would inwardly squeal with delight over small victories or joys. (Maybe I just haven't found any of those lately.)
• Wasn't afraid every time her body twitched, changed, bloated or hurt
• Didn't need to nap every day
• Didn't think about dying
• Was physically strong. (I used to be able to do full plank push ups and now I can't even do the ones from my knees.)
• Was mentally strong
• Contributed to society (by working at a job I liked)
• Socialized with friends and could stay up past 9 p.m.
• Could make longer-term plans for vacations or weekends or even dinners
• Didn't have to plan life around a chemo schedule and the days of bad side effects
• Wasn't depressed

I mostly miss the woman who didn't have to think about cancer and worry about what it's doing to her body, her life, her family and her friends. No one really close to me had the disease so it wasn't part of my normal life. Now it IS my normal life. It affects everything I do, plan, think or say. Especially right now when I'm in the middle of fighting it again. (It has been different when I've been in remission.)

I miss before cancer Tina. She used to skip, laugh, smile and be an energetic woman. Her biggest worries were projects at work and her son's behavioural issues. She was a much more enjoyable person. Damn cancer.

Tina