Glimpse in the looking glass

I've been thinking about and praying for my friend, Patty (aka Pateeta) over the past few weeks, but especially during the last 24 hours. My fellow ovarian-cancer warrior needed surgery yesterday to get her shit in order - literally. As I understand it, she has obstructions in her bowel and, as a result, it's not working properly. Hence the surgery.

I met Patty through blogging, but she's become a dear friend. I don't know the sound of her voice or the ring of her laugh. I'm not familiar with the cadence of her speech or if she swaggers when she walks. But I can empathize with her because we share membership in a club no one wants (or should have) to join. Her life and health affect me deeply. I wish her only the very best.

She's been in and out of the hospital a number of times over the past few weeks, with various cancer complications. I read her blog and Facebook updates with sympathy, think of her often and include her in my prayers.

But to be honest, her situation - and that of some other cancer survivors I read about - also makes me slightly uncomfortable (and then I feel guilty for feeling that way). These warriors currently need to fight harder in their cancer battles, so it makes me feel grateful about where I currently am. I feel little pain, my situation looks relatively positive, the meds seem to be working and I'm planning a "normal" life.

I wouldn't stop reading their blogs for the world. I couldn't stop supporting their struggles or celebrating their victories - no matter how small. And yesterday, I thought of Patty every time I had a BM (I'm almost sure Patty will find that funny.)

But their struggles also instill a bit of fear in my mind, and may be a contributing factor to the depressed days I recently experienced. Patty was diagnosed with stage IIIC ovarian cancer, same as me and now she's experiencing blockages, pain, hospital visits and surgery. I wonder if I'm seeing a brief glimpse into the looking glass of what could be my future. And to be honest, it scares me. I sometimes wonder how this journey is going to end and what my future holds.

I'm fearful for Patty and wish for a miracle, an end to the pain, a cure for the miserable cancer.

I wish for the end of cancer for all of us.

Tina