Tired, yet hopeful

I have two main complaints with my side effects right now: tiredness and gas. And if these are the biggest grievances, I'm really quite lucky. I have to take these good signs and wrap myself in them like the warm blankets they give you in the chemo suites. I need to relish the good stuff, because I was mired so long in the bad. Like I've mentioned in a previous blog, if you focus on the positive, it diminishes the power of the negative. So that's what I'm going to try to do.

This morning, I'm grateful I'm just tired and gassy. I'm experiencing less nausea and vomiting. I'm not dropping into the deep, dark, Dementor-filled well with chemo. I have not experienced neuropathy (loss of feeling in fingers and/or toes) nor taste changes, and I still have my hair. Okay, it's thinning significantly - and in the end the presence of hair doesn't really matter to the fight - but I am thankful its strands still grace my head and keep it warm. 

I'm hopeful these fairly minor side effects are par for the course for my entire treatment regime, but I'm not holding my breath. I won't get my hopes up, only to have them dashed when some new symptom pops up. But I'm going to roll with it for now, hope the chemo today doesn't put me down for the count for my Christmas celebrations and keep moving forward. I'm being hopeful.

The other day, I received a request for me to write about hope. To be honest, it threw me for a loop because I haven't been feeling that emotion very much lately. The pummeling cancer has subjected me to over the last few months has squashed many optimistic feelings. Yet, the comment got my brain churning to deteremine how I feel about hope right now and how it fits in my current journey, and I'll blog about it in the coming weeks.

But that request, getting treatment, feeling a little better and perhaps the imminent approach of Christmas has me feeling a little more hopeful over the past couple of days. It's amazing what a seed of an idea can generate.

As for the tiredness, it doesn't help my system is all screwed up. I'm regularly waking between 3:30 and 4:30 a.m. and staying up for the rest of the night. I try the meditation tricks and deep breathing to no avail. My mind kicks on its motor and proceeds to process life, love and what to make for dinner tomorrow night. Even when I try to nap during the afternoon, it won't rest, contemplating to-do lists and mundane, life items. So I either end up falling asleep early or going without. The chemo makes me tired and the lack of sleep doesn't help, so I'm in a losing situation.

But I'm headed to those warm blankies at the chemo suite and perhaps with some classical music on my iPod I may be able to get a little shut eye as the chemicals are infused in my body today. Some cancer-kicking ninjas, a warm blankie, a little nap and the company of my soul mate. How's that for hope?

Tina