Bad

Yesterday, was a bad day.

I was:

• Irritable - Good thing my family was at work and school.
• Sore - My stomach hurt most of the day.
• Tired - A weary, lethargic, heavy tiredness filled my body.
• Weepy - Oh, all the emotions swirling around in my head and heart.
• Withdrawn - It's better to be alone when I'm that way.

I puttered around a bit on my computer, responded to emails and surfed Internet sites, but wasn't really productive. Then I lounged in bed, wrote in my journal, napped and read. By the time my nurse showed up around 3:30 p.m., I still hadn't showered or dressed. How pathetic.

After she left, I hopped in the hot tub and showered, transforming myself into someone who could be seen by the public. I summoned the energy to make dinner and read the newspaper. By the evening, I was capable of having coherent conversations with my family.

I'm not sure what today will bring, although I feel better right now than I did by this time yesterday morning. But I know from experience that can change rapidly as my energy wanes. I know I'm still on a chemo low, so I may still experience another emotion-filled, very low-key day - and that's okay. I refuse to feel guilty about it (see how much better I'm getting at taking care of me?).

As I told Noah this morning, it's his job to work hard and do well at school and it's my job to fight this cancer and try to get better. (His initial response to the question about my job right is to be a mom. Yeah, that too. But, rest assured, my son (and daughter), as long as I'm breathing, I'll continue to be your mom.)

Even if today is another lounging day, hopefully I'll start to climb out from the side effects. These days, while necessary, make me feel stuck in limbo. I want to continue back on the road to energy and well-being so I can be more engaged in life.

What will engage you today? Is it something fun? If not, could it be?

Tina