Enough already

Oh God has a strange sense of humour sometimes. On the day I decided I was going to be more positive, life went to hell in a handbasket.

I'll freely admit that I was angry with God yesterday morning. My day had barely begun when I got a distressed call from Michael asking me about the symptoms of a stroke or heart attack. When I said, blurred vision, headache, weakness, inability to speak and he answered yes to all of them, I quickly blurted, "Go to emerg right now." Luckily, he works at St. Joe's, so it was a quick trip to the urgent care centre.

His left arm was numb, he had trouble breathing, a headache appeared, he had weakness and had to sit down, and his vision went black. He didn't pass out and the symptoms passed quite quickly, but he (and I) were very scared.

It turns out Michael didn't suffer a stroke or heart attack. The doctor thinks he had a reaction to all the stress he's under (work, me, Noah, etc.). So he's off for a few days and has some follow up doctor's appointments to better determine if there's a medical cause.

So I'm on my way to meet him at the hospital when the school calls. Noah was in trouble and they wanted me to come to the school immediately for a meeting. I had to say no because of Michael's medical issues.

Of course, I couldn't mention Noah's problems to Michael in the hospital, so it wasn't until I dropped him off at home that I mentioned I needed to go to the school. I met with the principal and Noah, and then brought Noah home. Unless I hear otherwise, Noah can return to school tomorrow but he's suspended today. (FYI - You don't swear at a teacher in front of witnesses because it's cause for immediate suspension.)

Needless to say, once I got Michael and Noah settled at home, I had to log onto my work laptop. Luckily, I had a long stretch of time focus, so my work day wasn't a complete writeoff. Thank goodness for a flexible schedule.

It's amazing how focusing on other problems made me stop thinking about my own. Of course, the fearfulness is back today. I've looked up the symptoms for ovarian cancer recurrence and I feel some of them. Is is psychosomatic? Is the bloaty feeling due to a virus? Am I just fat? At this point, I just want to know so I can go into fighter mode or carry on with normal life.

The wait is killer. Do I prepare myself to hear to worst (the cancer is back) so I'm not shocked. Or do I focus on being positive because it can help my body (or is it too late for that?)?

Or am I just crazy? Some days I feel that way.

But enough of that. Whatever happens, it IS going to be okay. Michael will be okay. I will be okay. We'll get through this one day at a time. I have faith (obviously, I'm not mad at God anymore).

Tina