Indulgence and forgiveness

I haven't been myself for about a week now. And I fear it's going to get worse before it gets better. So I'm asking you for your indulgence and forgiveness.

Today I go for my follow-up CT scan. I'm not fearful of the scan itself - even though I drink radioactive dye, have more dye squirted into me via IV and then slide through a spinning machine. That's a piece of cake. It's the results of that machine that I fear - the return of cancer. The news that, despite my best efforts, I didn't beat it.

I won't find out the results until next Tuesday. It's going to be a long, dread-filled week.

I'm trying to be positive, but for some reason, I can't seem to dig it out of the depths of my soul right now. It's ironic because even during those months I spent fighting cancer, most of the time I felt emotionally stronger than I do right now.

I've been an emotional wreak for over a week now. I think re-living my diagnosis experience in therapy only made it worse (before it gets better?). I'm filled with dread, I feel anxious and I'm having strange dreams.

So, my friends, I'm asking for a little leeway for the next week or so. I may not be quite myself. I beg your tolerance.

Tina