Joy and pain

Joy
I have two reasons to be happy and thankful

My CA-125 is now 28! Normal is considered less than 35. I've reached this goal before these last two chemotherapy treatments even attack the cancer. I'm was so happy when I got that news from my nurse yesterday.

The genetics labs finally completed the bloodwork to determine if my mom, sister and I have the BCRA-1 gene. I phoned yesterday, anxious for an answer. The result of this test may affect the decision I make for post care once my treatments are done. Besides, Dr. A said it would take six to eight weeks for results and it's been double that amount of time.

So next Wednesday morning, my mom, sister and I have an appointment to discuss these results (no, they won't tell you on the phone) and the implications.

Pain
The bone pain and tired, helpless feelings started again yesterday afternoon. I was lucky they held off that long, but now I feel terrible. I have a feeling it's going to be a long day. But then it'll be over and I can move forward again.

Yesterday afternoon also brought a psychological type of pain. I was eating a soft mint to get rid of the metallic taste in my mouth, only to have a chunk of my front tooth fall off. Along with everything else (bald, zits, weight gain), my tooth decided to chip. Luckily, I can get in to see my dentist later this week. I have to be careful to avoid scraping or things that will make me bleed the first two weeks after chemo, but she assures me the fix is as gentle as brushing my teeth.

The worst - and almost inevitable - pain
The tension in the Bratscher family due to cancer, treatment, worry, lack of schedules, relaxed discipline and incredible pressure came to a head last night. Everyone is on edge.

Noah isn't getting the routine and structure a bipolar kid needs. Poor Tara isn't on a regular sleeping schedule and just wants to be a kid enjoying her summer (but who has an aggressive older brother). Michael is trying to hold us together, and deal with the intense pressures of work and home. And during these post-chemo weeks, I don't have the energy to do anything or help in any way.

This is one of those events that test a family. Luckily, we're strong and love each other an awful lot. I know we'll get through this, but it's not easy.

So needless to say, I had a terrible, restless sleep last night. I woke up a lot, had weird dreams and worried. It may be a blessing it's supposed to rain today because the weather will match my mood.

But let the sun come out tomorrow.

Tina