Sleepless in East London

The crickets are chirping and the cool wind blows in the windows. It's the perfect night for sleeping, but I'm not. I know when the sun shines brightly in the sky tomorrow, I'll regret my body's wakefulness.

After lying in bed for over an hour, trying to go back to sleep, I'm up. I figured I may as well blog. Maybe it'll make me tired. Before I woke at 1:36 a.m., I had weird menagerie of dreams that flowed from a casino to writing on Michael's forehead with a Sharpie to grapefruit-sized hail that killed people in the Toronto area. Very strange.

I didn't take my lorazepam last night. Maybe that's the root of the problem with the dreams and the inability to go back to sleep. But I figured I was tired enough and could do without the drug. Truthfully, I was hoping to be able to do without it. Sigh.

It was a crazy weekend with birthday celebrations and Tara had fun (the most important goal). Unfortunately, the past few days also involved lingering chemotherapy side effects. As I wrote on Thursday, I was feeling better and hoped I was improving. But I went back downhill on Friday and Saturday, suffering bone pain, burning sensations, heartburn and general discomfort.

Yesterday was much better. Athough I'm nervous because I still have a spot on the back of my right hand with no feeling. I'm afraid I've developed peripheral neuropathy. Chemotherapy is designed to destroy cancer cells, but it also damages or destroys other healthy cells in the body, including peripheral nerve cells. It can be temporary, but sometimes it can be permanent - and that scares me.

I've suffered most of the side effects of:

- Tingling
- Burning
- Weakness or numbness in the hands and/or feet
- Pain when walking
- Weak, sore, tired or achy muscles
- Loss of balance
- Clumsiness
- Difficulty picking up objects and buttoning clothing
- Shaking or trembling
- Walking problems
- Jaw pain
- Hearing loss
- Stomach pain
- Constipation

The website I referenced recommended telling my doctor, so I'll be calling the cancer clinic this week to let my chemo nurse know. I'm not sure if Dr. P. will change my chemotherapy dosage at this point, but it's good to let him know what's happening.

As I sit here and type at 3:30 in the morning, I feel worn down in many different ways. I'm praying for a better week with fewer physical symptoms, a better relationship with Michael and my kids, and improved mental health. I'm cautiously hopeful.

But I'll have a better chance of success if I get some sleep, so back to bed I go.

Goodnight/good morning.
Tina