Cowardly lion or smart cookie?

I couldn't attend my first BRCA support meeting last night. I was all geared up and ready to go in the morning. I figured the insight and experience of others could help me as I make my own decisions about being BRCA-1 positive.

Then I started thinking.

I remembered how much Dr. W brought me down last week with all his talk of percentages, reoccurence, second remissions, life spans, clinical trial drugs that could help, etc. It took me a few days to process that information - and I brought everyone else down with me when I shared it.

Given that Michael and I are going on vacation next week, I didn't want anything to bring down the anticipation we'll be feeling this weekend as we pack, or the enjoyment of it once we reach our destination on Tuesday.

This will be our first real vacation since last August when the entire family went camping (as a side note, I really missed camping this summer). Since April, our lives have been dedicated to chemotherapy every three weeks and recovery from it. We had a 6-week break (?) when I had my surgery. It's been a trying, stressful, painful summer.

So, I'm eagerly anticipating getting away, resting in the sunshine, reading some books, talking to my husband over leisurely dinners and indulging in some cool, tropical beverages. It'll also give me a chance to try to get my head screwed on straight to proceed with the next phase of my life.

I also didn't go last night because I was exhausted. I visited work yesterday - apologies to everyone I missed. The time went by in a whirlwind and I didn't get a chance to see everyone. I can't believe how much a simple, enjoyable activity can still tire me out.

Besides being exhausted, I was also fearful of the support group's topics of conversation. Was I going to hear about how these women had to have bilateral mastectomies because of the gene? Were they going to discuss the chances of cancers for those who are BRCA positive? Was the word reoccurence going to rear its ugly head? I guess I am a cowardly lion because I don't want to talk about any of those topics right now.

Or maybe I'm a smart cookie because I'm enjoying my celebratory phase for a little while longer. I think I deserve it. I need to get away from cancer for just a little while. Although I know when I'm the only bald chick at the resort, I'll be asked questions. But when that happens, I can say, I fought cancer this summer and won.

Besides, the topics about the implications of being BRCA positive will still be there when the support group meets again next month.

Your celebratory friend,
Tina