Downer

I'm on an emotional roller coaster again. Last night I was in one of the valleys. I woke up yesterday positive and ready to take on the world. By the evening, all I wanted to do was curl up under my blankets and ignore it. Oh, the difference a few hours can make.

I'm really worried about my mom and eager for her to get more test results and specialist appointments. I also wasn't thrilled with the statistics about ovarian cancer the clinical trials doctor quoted yesterday. I'm trying to tell myself to be positive, nothing in either situation is definitive, but it's hard

At my appointment yesterday, the clinical trials doctor (Dr. W) said the vast majority of ovarian cancer survivors have a reoccurence. The microscopic dust left inside from the surgery (that wasn't killed by the chemo) grows inside the abdominal cavity. But here's the kicker, only 20 to 30 per cent of those who are diagnosed with ovarian cancer are alive after five years. Holy shit! Mentally, I can't deal with that.

Dr. P always seemed so optimistic when he talked to me. But he never pulled out the statistics. Now, I know, I'm not a statistic. I'm young, can fight (again if I have to) and perhaps I'll be one of the lucky ones. I also think that surely to God, the microscopic dust left after my surgery got obliterated by the four rounds of chemotherapy.

Dr. W did say the average is 12 months disease free. But the average for those who are BRCA positive is usually longer because it tends to respond better to the initial chemotherapy.

So he talked about clinical trial drugs to possibly help improve my chances. Dr. W's involved in a clinical trial at the cancer centre for a drug that cuts off new blood supply, which is what new tumours need to grow. It's the same drug I mentioned on Aug. 15 with all the nasty side effects. He reassured me the most common were tiredness, nausea, diarrhea, and a red rash on hands and feet, which could peel.

He admitted there were also the far more serious side effects but they were rare and I'd be monitored very closely. Even if the more common side effects were unbearable, they'd adjust the dose. Of course, I could pull out of the trial at any time.

I also asked about a PARP inhibitor clinical trial where (simplistically) a drug replaces the job of the damaged DNA in BRCA patients. He thinks it's only for ovarian cancer patients in their second remission, but he's going to check. He's also going to contact his colleagues in the research community to see if this clinical trial would be a better option for me. He discussed how PARP inhibitors work and some potential problems with them, but I didn't quite follow the scientific technicalities.

I also have the option of doing nothing. I could go back to living my life without the constant reminder of cancer. But if that's my choice, I don't get the intensive follow-up (CT scans, blood tests, monthly doctor's appointments).

Instead, I'd visit Dr. P. semi-regularly to see if I have any physical signs the ovarian cancer has returned. The problem with that is I didn't really notice any signs the first time until it was well progressed. And even then, it was the fluid in my belly that tipped me off that something was wrong.

So now I have to weigh the pros and cons of each option to figure out what's right for me.

But yesterday's discussions did remind me again that we're not guaranteed any amount of time on this earth and we have to take advantage of each day we have. We need to love, laugh, share, enjoy and relax. We can't look backwards and wish we would have done something or not done something, but only move forward with what we have today.

Don't wait to live your dreams because there's no guarantee tomorrow will ever come. Each day is a gift - take advantage of it.

Tina