Welcome to the crazy train

I don't know if it's the mental effects from the chemo or the post-treatment feelings my social worker warned me about, but I'm struggling with so many different emotions right now.

I feel so unbelievably relieved my chemotherapy treatments are done. It's like a physical weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I could cry just thinking about it. But I also feel weird because I'm not ecstatic - when I should be.

I'm done chemotherapy, my CA-125 was in the normal range of under 35 after my fourth treatment (so it should be even lower after the fifth and sixth), my doctor seems optimistic, he's treating me like I'm "normal" and is talking about clinical trials.

In four to six weeks, I'll have my follow-up, which will involve a CA-125 blood test, CT scan and visit with my doctor. I've been told it'll take at least that long for my energy to return to pre-chemo levels. And even then, I may never be the same again.

So right now, I should be enjoying getting better, resting, celebrating and planning the future. But I feel like I'm in a state of limbo. I think I'm afraid to be happy and optimistic. What if the tests are wrong and the cancer is still there? What if it comes back? How can I plan anything if I feel like my life is on hold?

But then again, a little voice inside my head is pushing me in the opposite direction now that my treatments are over saying, "Hey, you've beaten this cancer and you've got to get on with life again. You need to start exercising. You need to start thinking about going back to work." I feel unduly pressured by my own thoughts. I know I need to slow down, but my mind isn't cooperating.

Then I'm also feeling a little bit angry that this is my life. Go figure, I should be celebrating and now I'm getting angry. I should be thankful for each day and everything it brings (and most days I am). But every once in a while I think, "How did my life turn out like this?" It feels surreal, like I'm a character actor or bi-stander in my own life.

I sound crazy. In a way, I feel crazy.

So welcome to the crazy train. I have a feeling I may be riding it for a little while, so now you're a passenger, along for the ride.

Tina