When a couple copes with a disease like cancer, it's extremely difficult. Sometimes one partner dwells on the awfulness of the disease and its possible outcomes, while the other is blithely partaking in an activity of daily life.
The emotional roller coaster of cancer affects so many people, and unfortunately the ups and downs can occur at different times. For a couple as close as Michael and I, we sense and feed off each other's moods. Maybe it's good when we're both at different stages of the emotional processing cycle because the person who is happier can help elevate the mood of the other.
It can be a real bummer - but also something that brings us closer - when we're both down. While it's awesome when we're both extremely optimistic and actively celebrating life.
Last night, I was happily making homemade pizza for dinner. I love puttering in the kitchen, whipping up delicious dinners, and I don't get to do it as often as I like. One reason is I have picky kids who don't seem to like my creative cooking and the other is my recent lack of energy.
While I was cooking, Michael came home from work and I knew right away he was upset. He had a difficult day at work and, as a result, on his bike ride home, his thoughts turned to me and cancer. We hugged and I hoped my strength from being on an emotional upswing helped him. That's all we can do, be there for each other. We're both going to have wildly swinging emotions, but we're in this journey together, wherever it leads.
My feelings can flip flop several times in a single day, as if I'm on an emotional teeter totter. Yesterday morning when I was driving to work, I felt a little blue. I don't know why, but I was on the verge of tears. But being at work, distracting my mind and chatting with my friends raised my spirits. (See, going back to work is a good thing.)
Speaking of work, a funny thing happened yesterday. While most people compliment me on my very, very short hairstyle - some have even asked if I'm going to keep it this way - one woman couldn't help but blurt, "wow, you're grey." Yes, I am. I've had grey hair since I was 18 years old and creatively coloured it. But now, I share the silver hue with the world. I don't know if it makes me look older, but I don't really care. I am thankful to have hair.
I know you're all on this journey with me and experience a myriad of emotions at my news, blogs, presence and emotional reactions. I know many of you worry with me (and Michael) and will be a shoulder to cry on, if we need it.
More importantly, I know, you'll be there to celebrate the good news and milestones. I appreciate it all. I've said it before, I couldn't do this without your support. I'm a very lucky woman.
With love,
Tina
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