Redefining healthy

In the last chapter of Kris Carr's Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor she says, "Everybody wants the (cancer) journey to be over and to get their lives back." This really hit home for me, especially since my last CT scan indicates I don't have a clear abdomen.

Yes, I agree it would be idyllic to return to a time and place untouched by cancer, and forget the very real reminder that I'm only on this earth for a finite period of time and will one day leave all those I love so much. It would be great to return to when I felt in control of my body and not betrayed by it. And to once again be someone who only saw the doctor for a yearly check up, and didn't worry about things like disability and not qualifying for life insurance.

But there's no way to go back to my old life. My perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and priorities have changed as I travel along on this journey. How insurance companies, doctors and some others view me has also changed - not always for the better.

But I did expect to completely beat the cancer and be in remission (no signs of cancer left in my body). I can't say that because I don't know for sure. Yes, those crazy, grey dots on my CT scan may be scar tissue or just plains cysts, but they could also be signs of cancer.

Carr often gets asked if she's in remission yet, if she's beaten the cancer, and she feels the pressure. "At first that dreaded question took the wind out of my sails . . . as if I were being quizzed on my net worth or, worse, my weight. But on a deeper level, I was just ashamed to admit that I hadn't kicked it yet."

When I read that paragraph, I noddled my head in acknowledgement because that's exactly how I feel - and I am often the one asking the question! Kris has cancer (the big C) and it's chronic (the little C). Unfortunately, ovarian cancer is also often treated like a chronic disease.

Now, I know what you're saying. Wow, has she rolled over and given up? NO! I still pray those little, grey dots are false alarms and that I've kicked ovarian cancer's butt. And I'll continue to fight. But I'm opening myself up to the potential reality that I may have to live with this disease. Not that I want to live with it! But I can't stop living, even if I haven't beaten cancer (or until I do).

Kris says we have to redefine healthy. It doesn't necessarily mean being cancer or disease free because in this day and age, many people have some type of illness or disease. It means living the richest life I can with what I've been given. It means filling my body with good fuel, treating myself with kindness, getting closer to God, appreciating my friends and family, and being the best me I can be.

As Carr says, we'll be healthier, even if we aren't cured.

"Nothing is guaranteed. If I could guarantee that juice and a positive attitude would cure you, I'd be a zillionaire. But I can't. What I can promise is that you will grow and create peace. Quality is far more important than quantity. When I stopped focusing on being cured I started healing and living in a ginormous way."

Constantly worrying about being cured isn't healthy and it isn't living. That's why I've tried to stop thinking about what my innards are doing and focus on what I'm doing to make the most of my life.

Tina