Fear

I realized yesterday, I must learn how to live with fear, because I'm going to feel fearful for the rest of my life. It's up to me to choose (or try to manage) how much it controls me.

While talking to my social worker yesterday, I admitted that right now I'm fearful almost all the time. My abdomen has been crampy a lot, especially on the left side, and I'm afraid it's a tumour growing and trying to commandeer control of the space. I try to tell myself the scar tissue is probably thicker there because it was the location of the tumours Dr. P cut out of me, but it's difficult.

Now my back is sore and instead of saying, it's because you've gone back to work, worn high heels, walked around and were a bit more active than usual, my mind jumps to bad reasons for the pain - your kidneys are now affected, it's cancer again (why it would affect my back is beyond me since I don't have ascities). I'm sure it's simply because my non-existent stomach muscles got tired and made my back carry most of the heavy lifting of the activity over the past couple of days.

I still get weird pains in my thighs or arms - probably post chemo symptoms - but my mind spins out of control.

I know it's irrational, but it's the truth. I can't control the emotions I experience - and fear is a big one. And I'm sure I'm not alone with this experiencde. Most of the time, I push it down beneath the surface of my consciousness so I can function and enjoy my days. But in reality, it's always there and probably always will be.

I've faced (and am facing) my death because of my disease. I can't put the veil of immortality back over my eyes and my mind. I can only learn to deal with it and not let it control my life.

Tina