Yesterday, as I stood in the doorway waiting for my step class to begin, I experienced a flashback to the last time I participated in an exercise class at the London Life gym. It was before my diagnosis, before I was trampled by cancer.
I felt like I'd been punched in the gut, yet was left with a hollow feeling. Emotionally, I curled up into myself.
As I watched the participants of boxing class that was finishing up, many of whom are gym regulars with whom I'd exercised plenty of times, thoughts raced through my head:
"Oh, she's pregnant. She looks good!"
"She's looking fit and strong."
"She cut her hair."
I felt at home, yet, irrationally, a bit like an intruder. And while I like my new short hair style (and how I can wipe my sweaty head through it), I felt oddly conspicious with it during the class. I got a few glances, but no one said anything.
I love step class and have been doing it for years. I find it's a great workout. But yesterday's class proved how out of shape I am. I couldn't do the whole class (but I didn't give up). At times, I had to march while the others were traversing over the step and do stationary lunges instead of the moving ones. I got frustrated, but I kept moving. And I never quit.
So the double whammy of the flashback and the inability to do to the class properly had me crying in the shower. My bouncy, optimistic mood from the morning plummeted to the basement.
I was mad at cancer and, illogically, mad at myself for being less fit. The whole experience left me with a heavy feeling in my chest that lingered for the remainder of the day. Today I feel a little sad, and my emotions are a little closer to the surface than they should be for a woman who is heading to work. But persevere, I must.
As for the exercise classes, I won't be giving up. Now that I've experienced the first flashback memory, hopefully I won't have any more. My fitness level can only improve from here. Yes, I'll be frustrated when I can't do the classes with the same stamina as before, but as I keep reminding myself, it's a starting point.
Your trying friend (in many ways),
Tina
Mrs Bratscher,,,,
ReplyDeleteat least you're going, you're not stopping, you're sweating, you're paticipating, you're moving. Stop beating yourself up, in no time you'll be able to complete the class... again. And then you will become one of the regulars...again. Everything at this point will be a starting point again... but at least you're starting, it's so much better than the alternative. We're all so very happy for that.
Everythning will be a first for awhile. Just like the first day at work. The first day at the pool, the first day at the gym. It is just like your kids first day at school, first day at High School. One day at a time. One project at a time. Remember 2 or three posts ago, you are going to take your time and enjoy instead of getting in the trap of gotta do it and gotta do it now. Remember to smell the Roses and remember there are the ones out there that can't do what you are enjoying now. Some have cancer some have no legs and some just can't breath because of asthma. We are still fortunate enough to be able to try and accomplish many first.
ReplyDeleteLove you