Every once in a while, I'll receive an email or post on my blog that astounds me and makes me pause. Sharon's reply to yesterday's blog was one of those moments. She's the daughter of Ann Crowley, who's life was cut appallingly short by ovarian cancer.
But Ann, with her indomitable spirit, was the initiator and inspiration behind the Run for Ovarian Cancer. As a result, I'm thankful to this woman whom I never had a chance to meet. I'm thankful to Ann's daughter, family and friends for continuing to participate in her name because the money raised by this run provides valuable dollars into researching this horrendous disease. As a result, their dedication and fundraising, helps me and all the other woman who've been diagnosed with this silent stalker. So thank you.
I'm also grateful to all who contact me and let me know my words made them laugh, cry, think, change or act. For those who are technologically challenged and can't seem to respond, or who would prefer a more private conversation, my email address is mtbrats@rogers.com. I've met many new friends as a result of my candid blog, so I'm lucky.
But I do have to say, sometimes I feel slightly embarassed when someone calls me strong or an inspiration because some days I just feel scared, weak and even irrational. Yesterday was one of those days. As a result, I curled inside myself (which probably isn't the best thing to do, but it's the way I cope sometimes). While others were happily recounting Christmas tales, I silently fretted in my cube. I didn't want to dampen the enthusiasm of others, and I think I needed time to process my feelings and figure out what was going on in my head.
I determined my emotional roller coaster dipped yesterday for three reasons. First, the excitement of Christmas is done. I focused on all the good events and busy activity Christmas brings, which kept both my body and mind occupied. But now, in the post-holiday lull, I am reminded my CT scan is at the end of January, with the results coming on Feb. 2. I'm afraid Dr. W will tell me the cancer is back. I fret about the pains I feel in my abdomen (scar tissue? gas? cancer?) and my weight gain (too many treats? lack of discipline? ascities?). I hate this state of flux in which I sit.
I also worry about my mother, who has a follow-up appointment with the urological oncologist on Jan. 7 to plan her next steps, which will be surgery at the very least. Again, another unknown that prays on the minds of my entire family.
Lastly, I learned a high school friend is in palliative care, dying of cancer. She was originally diagnosed with ovarian cancer and beat it. But then she was diagnosed with lung cancer (yet she never smoked). If I have the story right, the doctors believe the lung cancer was the primary cancer site, but they discovered the ovarian cancer first.
While this friend and I are no longer close, I feel sad about her imminent death. I feel afraid I may be in that same situation sooner than I'd like.
Luckily, I saw my social worker yesterday afternoon and she helped me process some of this mental junk. Some of our future sessions are going to include Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, which is supposed to help with the anxiety and fear associated with a tramatic episode (and the post tramatic stress disorder many cancer patients experience). It sounds interesting and I'm sure I'll tell you more about it after a session or two.
I do feel better today - more optimistic and cheerful. I plan to go to the gym today at lunch, which will also get some happy endorphins flowing in my body. And then tomorrow is new year's eve, when I can say good riddance to 2009 and look forward to a better 2010.
Oh, I should mention the date of the Run for Ovarian Cancer has changed (and as a result, I changed the date in yesterday's blog in which I wrote about it). The event is no longer on the long weekend, but on May 30. That should improve turnout for this very important event. Again, I invite you to join Team Tina and raise funds (or donations work well too - I'll be running/walking and seeking pledges) to support this valuable research.
Your happier friend,
Tina
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