Content

May today there be peace within
May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others
May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you
May you be content with yourself just the way you are
Let this knowledge settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love
It is there for each and every one of us.

-- variation on the prayer of St. Theresa

For some reason, when my good friend sent me these words in an email last week, they really hit home. As you know, I can be inpatient, dissatisfied and forget to focus on the goodness in life. It's especially easy for all of us during the chaos this time of the year brings. Yet, I think it's more important to ever during the holidays and as we ring in a new year to heed these words. They remind me to be happy where I am right now and celebrate all that I have been given.

We all need peace within - contentment really. Despite all the crap that's happened in 2009, overall, I'm content with my life. Sure, I have terrible and frustrating days, just like everyone else. Good and bad things happen on a daily basis. And the whole big fight with cancer that sucked up most of this year wasn't fun. But if I look deep down inside, I'm content with what I've done with my life. Sure, I'm not rich, have a big house, drive a fancy car or hold a big, important position at work, but I've realized that's not what satisfies me anyway.

My contentment hit home when my social worker asked me what I would change about my life, if I could. With all the lessons cancer has taught me and the changes it instigated, I couldn't answer the question. So, in essence, if I can't think of anything to change, I must be pretty happy.

And as St. Theresa says, I am where I am meant to be. For some reason, I was meant to fight cancer, parent a bipolar child, work at London Life, have wonderful people in my life, stand by my mom with her fight with cancer, etc. It doesn't mean I have to like all that's been handed to me, but it's where I'm meant to be right now. Even when I was first diagnosed with cancer, I said that if it's my time, I can't change it.

The faith in myself and others came shining through this summer while I struggled through my treatment. This faith opened up infinite possibilities for my life in general. I realized I'm strong and resilient. While the support and prayers of everyone around me overwhelmingly reinforced my faith. You all pitched in to help in any way possible, during my fight (and even today). I am still awestruck by the amazing generosity of the people in my life. How could I not have faith in you after all you've done?

That ties into the section of the prayer about the gifts and love I've received. I bow in gratitude for it and hope I recirculate it every day. We all receive gifts - large and small - each day. The trick is recognizing them for what they are, being thankful for them and then turning around and giving ourselves. The world would be a much nicer place if all could practise this simple act.

I struggle a little bit with the being being content with myself just the way I am. Mentally I am content with myself. I can recognize my talents and gifts. It's physically where I'm dissatisfied and need to be reigned in - by myself or those close to me.

I'm often discouraged when I get dressed in the morning and lament that items I once loved don't fit right or I don't look as good as I expect to when donning a particular outfit. At those times, I'm frustrated by the weight gain and the giant scar on my abdomen that puckers and likes to retain fat.

I also struggle with the whole diet thing. Part of me says life is too short to deprive myself (and that's what I have to do - all the time - in order to lose weight) and then the other part - the one that looks in the mirror says you're too fat - says lose some weight. It's trying to find the right balance between enjoying life with good things like wine and chocolate, and watching what I eat and exercising that I haven't quite mastered yet.

But when I really think about it, does it really matter? Sure, I'd feel more confident and happy with my appearance but do people love me less? No. My wise husband reminds me that he's just happy that I'm alive. My body went through the ringer this summer and it doesn't matter if I've gained weight or have scars. I'm here to live, laugh and love.

I like the sing, dance, praise and love portion of the prayer. We don't do enough of that. Life is good. There are many successes to celebrate. There are many gifts for which to be thankful. There are many wonderful people to love. Recognize them and the joy they bring. It's out there for all of us. Let all the wonderfulness settle in your bones and mine.

We all deserve it.
Tina