I started getting some pains on the weekend and I'm a bit freaked out. I have abdominal cramping (like I'd get IF I had a uterus) and some external burning and discomfort. Now my mind is going crazy, thinking that something is wrong.
Yes, I know, I wrote about the power of positive thinking last week and trust me, I'm trying to be positive. I'm trying to believe this pain is just my abdomen's way of protesting the four workouts I did last week.
Part of my problem is I feel betrayed by my body. I think, hey I treated you right, worked out regularly, ate well, drank water, gave you lots of sleep and in return you grew cancer! What the heck?!
So now, whenever I feel any little twinge, I jump to irrational conclusions and think the cancer is back running rampant in my body. Hey, it let it manifest itself in the first place, what makes me think it won't do it again. This is especially true, since I didn't feel the warning signs of cancer in the first place.
In Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor, Kris Carr wrote, "My shrink taught me that cancer patients go through the same post-traumatic stress disorder as soldiers or rape victims. At first I felt guilty about comparing my problems to such a vicious crime. But then I realized she was right. I was in shock and felt completely violated by my own body."
So my feelings of betrayal are completely normal. It's weird to think of my mind and body as separate entities and that one can betray the other. I'm sure that's how it's always been, but for me, it's never been as black and white as it is now.
Carr also mentions that like those who return from war, cancer patients feel as there is no place for them because few completely understand the toll of the battle. I have to admit, I do feel different than almost everyone else. Maybe that's why talking to other cancer survivors (support groups, friends who've had the disease, etc.) is so valuable. I guess I just have to find a new place in society - because I'm certainly not sitting on the sidelines.
As for that pain, I'm going to call my cancer nurse this morning and get her take on the situation. I'm also thankful that I go for a bunch of tests tomorrow - ECG, blood test with CA-125 and CAT scan tomorrow - to ensure I'm fit and healthy to go on the clinical trial. If something serious is going on, the tests will confirm it.
As for now, I'll try to be positive (and pray).
Tina
It is completely understandable what you are feeling. Your feelings are yours to own. Not a single one of us can relate to what you are going through - with the emotions, uncertainty and fear, and as you said, betrayal that your body let you down.
ReplyDeleteTry not to worry. I know, it's easier said than done. You will see the doctor tomorrow and get the necessary tests. Till then, enjoy TODAY.
Much love across the miles....
R
perfectly said Rachna...
ReplyDeleteditto for me
I don't know if it helps or not, but even after four years I still worry if I feel any twinges in my neck or collar bone ... You are forever changed and that has it's pros and cons....
ReplyDeleteFrom certain events and meetings I've attended, I know the Canadian Cancer Society is looking more closely at surivivorship and how people re-integrate into society and feel part of society after what they've gone through. I wholeheartedly agree there are aspects of PTSD. It sounds odd, but I felt a sense of relief reading that, and I may just pick up her book. So thank you for that.
I hope you're on your way to ragaining your positive outlook. It's impossible to have it 24/7, so your days of being fed up and feeling betrayed are normal and I think you just have to experience them and do what you're doing, write, work out, and work your way back to the positive, feel good feelings of being loved, having a loving husband and wonderful kids, and being supported by friends and family.
We're all in your corner.
Hugs,
J