It's completely unfair

It's the start of a new week and hopefully I won't be as grumpy. I feel sorry for Michael since he gets the brunt of my bad moods. While I can speculate a couple of reasons, I can't put a my finger one reason why I was so down.

I'm still dealing with this feeling of limbo and the irrational fear those little specks of cancer have decided to unite, form a team and take over my abdomen again. Now that they're not being blasted by the toxic chemotherapy, I envision they're rising from their hiding places and plan to wreak havoc. With every little twinge, cramp and pang, I think cancer. Never mind they've been blasted to kingdom come.

I'll have reassurance tomorrow when I see Dr. W. He'll have the results of my ECG, CA-125 blood test and CT scan to confirm that it's all in my head.

I think the fear the cancer will return is common among survivors and along with that, the fear they'll have to fight it again - maybe not as successfully.

Another reason for my funk may be I'm finally thinking about the injustice of it all. I'm not a nasty, chain-smoking, scotch swilling, pork rink crunching, puppy kicking couch potato. Why did I get cancer. It's not fair. I worked out, I tried to eat right, I tried to be good to other people. Why did the bad karma of cancer decend on me?

Yes, I enjoy my daily Diet Coke, an unhealthy meal every now and then, and it's a fact that chocolate will always be a treasured part of my diet. But I was healthy and believe in the golden rule - treat others the way you want to be treated.

They (whoever they are) say God only gives you what you can handle. With Noah's bipolar and subsequent suspensions, Michael's ankle woes and job frustrations, my cancer battle and now my mom's health struggles, I'm ready to cry uncle. But I trust He has a reason for this.

I'm also afraid of my reaction to the Sorafinib since some of the side effects can be pretty debilitating. I'm particularly worried about the potential for my feet to develop little blisters around the toes, which will make walking, let alone exercising, a painful activity.

But I have to be optimistic as I start this clinical trial, believing it'll work and the side effects won't be too bad. I've been in contact with a woman who's been taking the drug for six months with amazing results. She's got ovarian, liver and lung cancer, and the drug significantly reduced the size of her tumours. So I have to at least give it a shot because it may prevent new tumours from taking root in me and it may help develop a breakthrough in the fight against cancer.

Sometimes I want to be selfish, pretend the cancer was never here and just carry on with life. As crazy as it sounds and despite all I've been through, it sometimes still feels surreal that I had cancer.

As I make my way through this week, perhaps I'll work through some of these mental roadblocks and my mood will improve.

Here's hoping,
Tina