The sucky gift

It sounds like an oxymoron, but cancer is the ultimate sucky gift. I've been mulling this in my head since Tuesday and a friend reinforced the thought in an email last night.

Yes, cancer sucks. Yes, I'm incredibly disappointed and angry it isn't all gone. Yes, I hate that I will continue to worry about it and may have to fight the good fight again (and again?). And it sucks that I feel I've let everyone, including myself, down by not coming out on top of this (yes, I know this is completely irrational, but I never claimed to be logical all the time).

So where does the gift part come in? It's not something I'd put on my Christmas list. Hey, how 'bout you give me a nice, big dose of cancer to help me figure things out? But it's like when you get that handmade, knitted sweater from grandma. You're incredibly disappointed it's not the cool electronic toy you wanted, but you smile sweetly and say thank you. But over time, you appreciate its warmth, its beauty and the obvious love she put into creating it just for you.

Cancer helps me put life into perspective and focus on the people, events and things that are really important. Don't get me wrong, I don't have it all figured out. In fact, it's a daily learning journey. But I do know I'm learning to let go of the little things, forgive, tell people I love them more, appreciate the beauty of nature, say no, stand up for myself, appreciate the small stuff, be kinder to myself, etc.

I've said it before, it's so easy to get caught up in the everyday busyness. In fact, I was already starting to do just that before I didn't get a clean bill of health on Tuesday. I let little, really insignificant matters bother me, was short with those who matter most and I focused on moving forward with the mundane, rather than planning with purpose. In other words, I wasn't incorporating some of my want to dos in with the have to dos.

Tuesday's news made me realize again, that I have to incorporate my dreams into everyday living today. So I'm mulling over what it is that I want to accomplish. I haven't quite figured that out yet.

And it reminded me to incorporate the little, but good, things into my day. Lots of hugs and I love yous, coffee with friends, prayer, a session with a social worker, a kind word to someone (or even myself), writing, contemplation, laughs, a computer game I enjoy, dessert, etc.

We all have to enjoy and appreciate the little and big things that make life worth living.

Cancer's gift is also a better understanding of myself. The disease halted the hamster wheel I was running on and gave me time to delve into my brain, heart and psyche. I know myself better now than ever before, which helps me understand what is really important to me.

So like grandma's sweater, thank you cancer for the warmth, beauty and love of life.

Tina