Fake it 'til I make it

"Catch the beam and shine it out even if you feel too dark to bathe in it. Before long you will acknowledge and accept your greatness, without apology." Kris Carr, Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor.

Fake it 'til you make it. I've heard that phrase 100 times in my complicated, dance-step intensive BodyJam classes. When you don't know the steps or can't quite do them yet - fake it. Eventually, if you keep trying, you'll make it.

In other words, even if I don't feel strong, healthy, in control, confident and beautiful, act as if I am and my body will follow. I need to believe in and live that message right now - without apology. Especially as I embark on the Sorafinib clinical trial and attend my first BRCA positive support group today.

Carr says, "confidence and self-reliance come from a deep trust in yourself." I'm working on it. The trust I used to have in my body has been badly shaken. So I guess I'll fake it until I make it.

She admits she still hears that pesky little voice chirp, "You'll never get there, you will always be sick and you will die of cancer." But she scrambles those negative thoughts before they take root and focuses on believing she's healthy and strong. She acknowledges it takes courage to build confidence because "the only way to really do it is to put yourself out there and take risks."

So I need to get out there, start taking some risks again, believe in myself and my strength, and leave the negativity behind. At least if I start with me, I can face the rest of the crap that gets thrown my way. Besides, I can only change me. I'm responsible for my attitude adjustment.

As for the rest of the crap in my path, I spent the day at the hospital with family yesterday as my mom visited two doctors and had a procedure. At this point, there's lots of talk and little action, which is frustrating. We have speculation, but no answers. She does need at least one surgery and another test under general anaesthesia. I just wish the doctors could coordinate things and get moving. So at this point, we again wait and pray.

But in the meantime, I can't get stuck in the muck of negativity - for neither me nor my mom. It doesn't do anyone any good.

So I need to believe in myself (and God) and then project that to the world. Then maybe my thoughts will become reality.

In the words of Henry Ford, "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right."

Tina