What I need

I know yesterday's blog was a shocker for everyone. I was devastated I had to write it. I was on the cancer-free party bus, ready to shake it down with everyone that I licked the evil demon. Now I feel we're all dissappointed, left standing on the platform as the party bus pulls out.

Everyone seems to be processing the news since I received few responses yesterday. My inbox was eerily quiet. And I can imagine no one knows exactly what to say or do. So I'm going to try to help by telling you what I need.

I need a small dose of strong sympathy (hey this really sucks, let me give you a hug, keep fighting because those tests don't predict the future, let's drink a couple of bottles of wine together, etc.). Then I want to try to recapture my new normal.

I started that process yesterday and I have a plan in place. I lined up an appointment with a social worker to help me process the news and deal with the conflicting emotions swirling around in my head. I'm devastated, shocked, angry, hopeful, sad, energized, worried, lonely . . .

I also got my back-to-work plan almost in place. I told my rehab consultant I was ready to go back next week, thinking if I don't have to worry about the side effects of the clinical trial drug, then let's get the show on the road. But Noah has the flu (hopefully not N1H1) so we're waiting an extra week to ensure I'm healthy. On a side note, I'm wearing a pretty yellow mask as I care for him and the poor guy is quarrantined to the basement (that's where his bedroom is so don't start thinking dungeons).

At the suggestion of my rehab consultant, I've also got a personal trainer on standby for a couple of sessions to ensure I'm not going to hurt myself in my quest to get back in shape. I'm sure Theresa will work me hard and help me figure out how to be the best Tina I can be.

But I have to tell you, my quest to be thin has taken a back burner. My metabolism sucks. So to lose weight I have to watch every single morsel that passes my lips and cut out all the really yummy stuff. So I'm not going to deny myself just to see a particular number on the scale. I will try to eat well and exercise so I'm healthy. But I'm also going to enjoy the richness and satisfaction of food, drink and dessert.

I'm attempting to gain some sense of control with all this active planning since I have little control over what is going on in my body. So I'm going to try to let it go, place it in God's hands and carry on with life.

Please, please, please don't feel sorry for me. Sympathize with me and feel a twinge of sadness that the results aren't all we hoped they'd be. Then help me celebrate life with goodness, friendship, laughter and love. It's the best any of us can do in life anyway.

Tina