I've now gone from grumpy to downright irrational - and I don't know why. I get irritated at all the little things around me from the messy house, to the fact that all my kids want to do is play computer games, to small things Michael does, to the fact my hair isn't growing in fast enough. And all these irritations pile on top of one another, making me feel like I'm being squeezed, which makes me lash out and then sink into my self-contained pit of annoyance.
Even doing the Zumba class at the YMCA yesterday didn't help much because the instructor didn't cue and changed moves OFF BEAT! Grrrr. Sure, I felt good from the sweat and moving my muscles, but not from the class itself.
Am I depressed? I don't know. Have I spent far too much time by myself in my house? Maybe. Yet when I get irritated, all I want is to be by myself. Am I travelling in a circular pattern of craziness?
I guess this is part of the post traumatic stress disorder Kris Carr mentioned in Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor. It's part of my post-treatment anxiety or depression. As she explains, "Cancer is a roller coaster: One minute you're up, the next you're plummeting to the ground."
She encourages cancer survivors to allow themselves three days to wallow in any one emotion and then move on. I'm now working on day four and I'm not sure what to do about it - cry, throw things, exercise, talk to someone, have coffee with a friend, run away from home? I don't know.
At this point, I feel like I'm a crazy, speeding train running off the track and ready to crash. I'll pump the breaks and hope they work.
The only thing I do know is that my family will have clean clothes because I'm doing laundry and trying to find a Florida rental home today (an exercise in stress, frustration and pressure). That's all I can promise today.
But hopefully by the time my family comes home, I won't be irrationally angry anymore and can be a better mom/wife.
Tina
God speed Tina! Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteMuch love to you!
It is time to plant the daffodils. Instant meopause, chemo chemicals still floating around, and a body that will not listen to your commands. Frustration magnified. I do not know if I told you about planting the daffodils. I was in a smiliar position as you, frustrated just plain angry and stubborn, I think these are the correct adjectives. Just completed chemo and my emotions were unrully. I love my gardens and was furious that I had not planted my daffodils. This time of year, on a day similar to today only it was pouring down rain, I went out, sat on the ground, actually beat on the ground for awhile and then I dug the holes to plant my daffodils. I cried the whole time, probably looked like a fool, but I planted my daffodils. They were the best looking flowers in my garden the following spring. But i was determined to plant and in the proess I was able to to vent.
ReplyDeleteI love you, and here is a big hug of love to go with it.
honey,,,
ReplyDeletedoris is so correct,,, it's not only the cancer, the chemo, the effects, the fright of going through what you just did,,, but it's MENOPAUSE added on top of that!! When I had my last surgery all I wanted to do was take that baseball bat and beat the crap out of something,,, ANYTHING,,, and then I'd cry. Your body is going through so many changes right now and yes, that's what you have to do is just hang on for that rollercoaster ride. I always explained it like I was a kid playing 'crack the whip' on skates,,, remember that game?,, yet I was the last kid on the chain trying to hang on for dear life without being shot across the pond. It gets easier my little one,,, eventually,, in the meantime, go buy some bulbs so that when the daffodils come up in the spring and you're feeling better, you'll realize what a far way you've come.
i'm always here if you need me.
xoxo