Curveball

Dr. W threw me a curveball yesterday - and I wasn't prepared for it. According to my CT results, my abdomen isn't clear and therefore I don't qualify for the Sorafinib study. What the results mean, we don't exactly know right now.

I was in shock when I heard the news. I was completely convinced everything was gone and was mentally preparing for the side effects from the clinical trial drug. Then I got scared (again) and for the first time, cried in a doctor's office (and in the van on the way home).

But I've had time to partially process the news and have come to realize it isn't necessarily bad. It's shocking and it could turn out to be bad (eventually - and hopefully a long time down the road).

So what did the CT scan say?

- There remains a few areas of peritoneal tumour. So the microscopic dust that the chemo should have eradicated may not be gone. I have to admit, this line in the report sucks. Come on, the chemo had to have done its job. There wasn't hardly anything left after surgery.

- There is a hypodensity along the dome of the right lobe of the liver. I had this growth before the surgery and it was much bigger then. I trust that if Dr. P found it suspicious, he would have removed it. So perhaps it's just some imperfection I have.

- There is a small cystic lesion along the vaginal vault measuring approximately 2.5 x 1.2 cm in size with punctate areas of calcification and residual tumour cannot be excluded. Okay, to me cyst means fluid-filled sac, not cancer. Maybe the CT folks are covering their butts to say residual tumour cannot be excluded. This must be something that formed because of the surgery.

- Spleen, pancrease and kidneys are normal. Yay! A side note mentioned I have gallstones (the least of my worries) and I have an umbilical hernia with small bowel within it. So maybe I popped an internal stitch during recovery and part of my small bowel eased into the hole. I guess if it gets to be a problem, we'll deal with it later.

The overall impression on my CT scan results is there has been significant improvement since the last one in April, when my cancer was diagnosed. No kidding!

When he gave me the news, Dr. W said these results are common and he's not alarmed. He said yes, I'm in remission and he doesn't recommend any treatment based on these results. He said it could be scar tissues, non-cancerous growths or cancer. We don't know.

So I'm going to have another CT scan in three months to see if the size of the growths has changed - smaller, bigger or the same. Apparently, doctors don't usually recommend more treatment until the ovarian cancer signs reappear. Of course, I didn't notice a lot of symptoms and explained that to Dr. W. He said if the ascities was my indicator, watch for that.

The good news (even though it's not a definitive marker) is my CA-125 is 10. Remember, below 35 is normal and at one point it was over 950. So that's positive.

Yes, Michael and I are alarmed by the news. Yes, I am going to go to counselling to figure out how to deal with this. But I realized, I can get on with a "normal" life much quicker now because I don't have to worry about the side effects of the clinical trial drug. I need to continue to live my life and not be paralyzed by the fear that it's coming back.

Most women don't get these CT scans after they're done treatment and continue on with rebuilding their lives. I know this information just because I wanted to be part of a clinical study. Maybe I need some hypnosis to make me forget so I can blindly carry on like every other ovarian cancer survivor.

Dr. W said 95 per cent of ovarian cancer survivors get the disease back. They treat it like a chronic disease and if it does come back, there are treatment options. And, the researchers are working every day to discover new and different ways of treating this disease. Apparently, just last week, researchers announced a breakthrough in the fight against ovarian cancer. Work harder I say!

So, my goal right now is to process this as best I can and move on. I need to live and enjoy each day and let tomorrow bring whatever it may. I'll deal with it then. It's the best I can do.

Tina