Adrift

This week I haven't felt very much like a cancer slayer.

I went into chemo 10 days ago with a kick-ass attitude, determined to beat cancer into submission. Buoyed by the news I was randomized to get the clinical trial drug, Olaparib, I eagerly headed into treatment.

Yet instead of visualizing through the pain, imagining little chemo ninjas were attacking the cancer cells with their razor-sharp swords, I let it all get away from me. Instead, I felt like a unmoored rowboat, floating adrift on the stormy seas of pain and discomfort. The waves tossed me in all different directions - perhaps we should try this antacid, now let's switch to this medication, try sitting up for an hour after taking the pills, etc. - and left me feeling directionless.

I know the drugs were eating away at the cancer despite what I did, but I believe my attitude makes a difference. I need to be a lean (okay, maybe not), mean, cancer-fighting machine.

Then again, maybe the drugs were working even harder at killing that cancer scourge and my feelings of well-being were the victims in the battle.

Regardless, I hope to take the next 10 days, when I'm Olaparib free, and get my body back on track and ready to fight again. First, I've got to get rid of this cold. I've never had a cold like this. No exaggeration, I violently sneezed at least 200 times yesterday. With ascities still in my belly, those sneezes can sometimes really hurt the ribs.

Then I need maintain my antacid and anti-nausea med repitoire so I can get my stomach in tip-top fighting form. If I'm lucky, I'll get my appetite and tastebuds back so I can enjoy eating.

Of course, during this time, I'll also lose my hair. So by next chemo, I'll be ready to kick some cancer butt again as the bald, cancer slayer. Won't that be a pretty picture?

Tina