I'm feeling a little low this morning.
My back really hurts because the ascities is back. I haven't felt well in weeks. I thought I'd have a reprieve once the side effects of the first chemotherapy wore off. I truly believed I'd have a few days when I could feel good and revel in that wellness before it started again. That's all I need, a few days.
But I'm beginning to doubt I'm going to get that. With my struggling white blood cell count and expanding belly, I suspect I may feel okay, but not great, as I head into round two.
And the consistent, nagging discomfort tires me out and makes my mind slither into the dark areas of my mind. Then I start asking myself, "Will I ever feel good again or is this the beginning of the end." Argh.
Then of course, I chastise myself for not being stronger. For not fighting enough.
Too bad I couldn't start skipping down the yellow brick road, off to see the wizard for my shot of courage. Oh, I know I'll find it again. But on this rainy, Friday morning, it seems to have slipped into the shadows and I'm too tired and sore to go looking for it.
I guess I could look at the bright side. I am sipping coffee this morning and it tastes pretty good, even if my tastebuds aren't back entirely. I still have my hair. Although, if I tug too hard, chunks come out and a strand just blew on my keyboard. So bald Tina is going to make an appearance soon. I also have lots of people who love me and support me. For that, I'm truly grateful.
Don't worry about my current state of mind too much. I will be okay. I'm just on a dip in that emotional roller coaster. It's to be expected, even if it makes my stomach drop to go here.
When I get like this, I get introspective and then I'll start reading something inspirational. Often, I'll turn to Kris Carr's book, Crazy Sexy Cancer for guidance. She's made a career out of living with incurable cancer. She lives with hope, sassiness and gusto. I'm sure she can put me back on the right path.
Thanks for allowing me to wallow a little this morning, my friends. On this Friday morning, may your beverages be hot, your conversations be interesting and your hugs be plentiful.
Peace,
Tina
Tina,,,
ReplyDeletei couldn't help but notice you POSTED at 6:36 AM.. so, what time did you actually wake up? I would've called you this morning on my way to work at 5:15 if I knew you were up and about !! crazy girl.
now, YES you will feel good again. You would've felt better this week (and probably last) if it wasn't for your stupid cold. Your ascities wasn't gone till your 2nd round of chemo last time,, you still have your hair, your eyebrows, lashes, you can go SWIMMING this year, you can drink beer. Your belly isn't filled with acid anymore because your anti acid drugs are working, you are having ME as company this weekend (which alone is something to look forward to!! my wit, my charm haha) Your tastebuds are somewhat enjoying coffee again,,,
So, in saying that, you're just in a funk right now, feeling yucky and pissed because you haven't been given the opportunity to feel good and it's already time for round two of chemo... I getcha... we all do...Its not the 'beginning of the end' so quit it !!
Tina we read your blog everyday because we care about you, we love you and we support you. If you want to wallow, go ahead and wallow,,, we'll still be here to support you in anyway we can... You don't need to be strong everyday, nor do we expect you to. Fight when your angry, wallow when your sad, eat when your hungry, sleep when you're tired..Everything you're going through right now is better than the alternative right?
love you honey... lean if you need to...
DCD