Out of control

I don't know if it was arrogance. Did a little touch of ego lead me to believe experience makes one whit of difference? Or maybe I was forgetful, blocking those nasty memories from my mind. Lord knows, I was foolish, thinking I had any control over how my body responds to the chemotherapy side effects.

Yesterday, reality butted me right in the head, reminding me I have absolutely no say in my physical reaction to the chemicals. I wanted to be strong. I hoped it would be easier. But in reality, I once again sat like a lump with a foggy brain and depleted energy level.

Maybe I had some illusions these treatments would be different because of the clinical trial drug. During the first round of chemotherapy, I was so busy fighting off the nasty side effects of the Olaparib, the regular, old chemo ones took a back seat. I guess it's hard to focus on lethargy when you need to continually reach for the puke bucket.

But now the Olaparib-caused drama seem to be under control (thank God) and the bone pain, skunky mouth and inertia have returned.

I miserably mentioned my lack of control to Michael yesterday and he reminded me I can't expect to define anything about my physical experience with chemotherapy. I have to ride the swells as they crest and crash in this stormy sea. But he promises to be with me every moment of this journey.

My wise husband also reinforced that sometimes I can only control my attitude. Luckily, I'm fairly optimistic most of the time, which may help when the waters start to swirl.

I feel a little better this morning, so hopefully the waves will start to abate today, day five post chemo, and I'll be able to enjoy the sunshine and beauty this summer's day has to offer.

I once again head down the 403 to Hamilton today to get my blood drawn and talk about my experiences and side effects. This time, the sisters decend upon the unsuspecting city. As usual, I'm sure we'll have some laughs and perhaps a treat or two to while away the time. (Hopefully my tastebuds will continue to come back.)

I hope you enjoy your beautiful Wedneday.
Tina