Anger to sadness

Work was exactly where I was supposed to be yesterday. I got lots of hugs and undeniable support. Everyone commiserated with me and agreed my situation fucking sucks. (I know I never swear in my blog, but that's exactly how I feel. Saying another word doesn't convey the same emotion.)

Instead of sitting at home, by myself, contemplating the reoccurence of my cancer and wondering what to do, I surrounded myself with people who rapidly jumped back on the big, yellow, Tina cancer-fighting bus. Even though it's not a comfortable ride with it hairpin turns at a moment's notice, and its huge peaks and valleys, the bus seats are rapidly filling.

I was inexplicably nervous on the drive in yesterday morning, wondering exactly what I was going to say and how I was going to react. I was so hoping to be able to skip into London Life and proclaim the all clear - and then proceed on with my day and my life. Even though I know it's not my fault (because I did everything I could to fight the cancer and keep it away), I feel like a failure that I've got this disease AGAIN!

My village, my supporters, my friends all did what I needed them to do. They hugged me, shed a few tears, agreed with the injustice of my situation and asked what I need. Right now, I just need to know people are with me.

Every once in a while, I blogged about the lack of response to my blogs. Now I know you're all still out there, rooting for me and reading about the "normal stuff" in my life. But I didn't NEED you, so it wasn't crucial for you to respond.

But because you're amazing friends and family, you've emerged from the woodwork now that I DO need you. I'm amazed at all the visits, phone calls, emails and responses to my blog and Facebook page. Thank you. Your responses to my cries of anger and anguish make me know I'm not alone - even on this second, stupid fight with cancer.

Today I've moved past the overwhelming anger and transitioned into sadness. I'm tearful I have to fight again. I'm scared that despite how hard I fight, the cancer may get the best of me. I'm upset my abdomen is riddled with tumours (that sometimes cause me pain) and is growing in size.

I'm also broken-hearted at how my situation makes others feel. I notice the difference in everyone's reaction this time around. Maybe it's because I wasn't present to witness the reaction when I was initially diagnosed, but this time, it feels more desperate. (Don't worry, that's the way I feel too.)

I've already shed a few tears this morning and I suspect they won't be the last. I may need to carry Kleenex with me.

I'm back at work today, because that's where I'm gaining strength right now. London Life folks, you rock!

And thank you all for holding out your arms to catch me if I stumble on this new, yet strangely familiar, journey. I knew I could count on all of you.

Your sad friend,
Tina