So tired

I'm so very, very tired. I'm physically tired because I'm hauling around all this extra fluid, which prevents me from sleeping well. I woke several times last night to adjust my position and try to get comfortable. Needless to say, I didn't have a great sleep.

But I'm going to see Dr. P this afternoon to talk about a belly tap. Think of tapping a keg of beer. But you certainly wouldn't want to drink the fluid that comes out of me. Yuck! Hopefully, the procedure will bring some much-needed relief.

I'm also mentally and emotionally tired of waiting around for some action. Every day, I get more and more freaked about the size of the tumours, with visions of them growing. They grew rapidly between the end of January and mid-May, and it's almost been a month since my CT. How big are they now? What are they doing in there? What organs are they trying to invade and influence? It makes me want to scream in frustration. Get out! Get out!

Obviously, I'm still struggling with the emotional roller coaster. One minute I'm saying, "It is what it is and I can only do the best I can to fight it." That's true, but not easy to maintain.

The next minute I'm angry at how unfair it is that the cancer is back already. Then I'm sad, wondering if I'll get the chance to take a cool road trip again with my honey. What a basket case I am.

Bottom line, I'm scared. Those closest to me are scared too. I can see it in their eyes and hear it in the tone of their voices. I want to be strong, but sometimes it's hard.

Cancer is a kick-ass, scary disease that affects not only the person diagnosed, but everyone around him or her. It's okay to be scared, sad, lonely, angry or determined. What isn't okay, is to keep it inside to fester. I'm lucky that I have some understanding folks who let me vent (including an awesome therapist).

And I have all of you, who let me vent via my blog and accept me, even when I'm tired and discouraged.

Thank you,
Tina