Five stage of grief

I've made a little foray into denial. This can't be happening to me. It can't be back again. I'm living a normal life - going to work, helping with homework, making dinner, chatting with friends and watching TV - so how can I be so seriously sick?

When I was diagnosed the first time, I went from shock into fight mode. Within a week and a half, I found out I had cancer, visited the emergency room, met with the oncologist and started chemotherapy. It was a whirlwind of action, which spurned my fight instincts. I went from shock into acceptance. "What do we need to do?" and "Bring it on," were my battle cries.

This time, I'm waiting for contact from the doctor in Hamilton and in stand-by mode, so the activities in my life aren't changing, yet.

The lack of immediate action is giving me time to process the five stages of grief and tragedy - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These steps do not necessarily come in order, nor are all steps experienced by everyone; although a person will always experience at least two. Often, people will experience several stages in a roller coaster effect — switching between emotions, returning to previously experienced ones, etc. — before working through the loss.

I, along with many of you, are riding that roller coaster right now, trying to hang on and not be flung off the ride. I'm still slightly angry. I'm experiencing a little denial (although I think I'm too rational to be completely in denial). I'm also on the precipice of depressed. I'm more sad than depressed. I haven't given up or withdrawn. I don't spend most of my time crying and alone.

So emotionally, I'm processing. The very visible and vocal demonstrations of support help. Many people have contacted me, I get lots of hugs, some are even hanging their Team Tina t-shirts in their cubes as a show of support. Friends - old and new - are letting me know they're behind me as I gear up for this fight. Almost everyone is asking what, "What do you need? What can I do." Nothing yet, but thank you all.

Physically, the symptoms are getting worse. I've had two people ask if I were in pain. No one asked me that before - not even my doctor - so it caught me a little off guard. Yes, sometimes I am in pain. I can feel the ascities building, which makes me extremely bloated and presses on different areas of my abdomen and rib cage.

Most of the time, I'm only slightly uncomfortable, which I can brush off and ignore. Other times, my back aches, my ribs feel as though a knife is being shoved under them or I can't take a deep breath to yawn, sneeze or cough because it hurts too much. I also get shooting pains travel through my abdomen. Luckily, the bad pain doesn't last long before the discomfort returns.

Of course, I feel fat with my distended belly. I know it isn't me, but it's hard to ignore the tugging of my shirt over the swelling mass. I've been a chunky monkey, trying to disguise the not-so-perfect areas of my body, for too long. I find it hard to rationalize that a medical condition is drawing attention to an area that I've always tried to hide.

I have a feeling some people are using this blog as a barometer of how I'm doing each day. Today, I guess I would be a bloated, slightly uncomfortable, partially sad individual who is also in a little bit of denial about the reality of my situation. Whew! How's that for a description?

But on the bright side, it's Friday, I'm going to dinner with friends tonight and I'm headed to the spa (aka Port Franks) for the weekend. Life isn't too bad - it's the alternative that really sucks.

Tina