Forgetful phenomenon

Our minds go to great lengths to lessen the memories of pain or hardship. I truly believe women would not go through childbirth a second time if our minds didn't allow us to forget the pain of delivery and recovery. We'd all be running around with one-child families saying, "That's enough of that baby business, thank you very much."

My poor little mind, moved on from the chemotherapy experience. While I didn't feel good before I started treatment, with ascities blowing me up like a balloon, random vomiting, acid reflux and no room for food, gas or breathing, I'd forgotten how chemo kicks the crap out of me.

I thought I was getting off relatively unscathed until last night. I wrote it off to it being the first round (and I know the cumulative effects are going to make each subsequent one worse). Okay, it feels as though the chemotherapy and the Olaparib are sometimes eating my guts from the inside out and nausea is a regular occurrence in my day, but until last night, I'd escaped the bone pain and the general awful feeling.

When it arrived, I immediately wanted to lay my head on my pillow and escape into slumberland. But I had to wait until at least 9 p.m. to take my four Olaparib capsules. Sleep didn't come immediately after, as I'd hoped, but I slept fairly well until about 2:30 a.m. when unbearable stomach pain nudged me from my sleep. It's like wicked, acid-like gas and heartburn rolled into one.

I ate a few pretzels, hoping food would help. I chomped on a Maalox. I drank a little protein drink, hoping the milky coating would ease the burning in my gut. Luckily, after about 1/2 hour, the pain subsided enough to drift back into sleep. I'm going to have to talk to the research nurse about strategies for dealing with the gut-eating pain.

Despite the terrible evening and horrible night (and a small vomit this morning), I feel pretty good. I'm still tired and my stomach isn't behaving properly, but the bone pain seems to have retreated again and, knock on wood, food and drink still tastes pretty good.

But like last time, I can only take one day at a time. I will face each chemo cycle as it approaches. I will withstand each side effect as it arrives. I will survive. I will continue to put up with the crap, pain, depression and mood swings for the chance to keep on living.

What's your reason for getting out of bed and facing the day today? What are you anticipating? Who makes your world go around? Remember, we all face hardships to enjoy the good in every day. Remember what makes life great.

Tina