The rapidly expanding Tina

I'm sad and frustrated today because I'm getting more and more uncomfortable, and there's nothing I can do about it.

If I felt sick because I ate too much, I could abstain from food and feel better. If I felt fat, I could diet. If I were hungover, I could drink water, pop a Tylenol and wait it out. If I hurt myself, I could ice the affected area, take it easy and the injury would get better.

But I'm filling full of ascities (fluid in my abdominal cavity), which is making me very uncomfortable, causing pain in my back and ribs, and decreasing my lung capacity. Short of taking a trip to Emergency or the cancer clinic to get my abdomen drained, all I can do it sit back and watch my body expand. Every once in a while, a tumour or the ascities will hit a nerve and make pain shoot down my legs or in my abdomen.

Diane, in true spa style, gave me a massage last night. She poured oil on my poor, aching body and found a few wicked knots on which to work. When I complained my lower back hurt, she went to work on relieving some of their tightness. I'm sure it's from carrying around all that extra fluid. The discomfort and my size is similar to being pregnant, without the benefit of a baby at the end.

It was good to be at the spa and hang around with Diane and Pete this weekend. They reinforced that I only have to be me with them, and don't have to put on a brave face. They're happy having sad Tina, angry Tina, quiet Tina, sore Tina, happy Tina or warrior Tina.

I was sad this weekend. This is the first time in ages where I didn't stop for a moment while in Port Franks with an excited, gleeful feeling and say, "Wow, I'm really happy." I know I'll get there again, but it feels so damn unfair right now.

I'm not quite at warrior Tina yet, either. Maybe that state of being will change when I have some timelines. I STILL haven't heard from the doctor's office in Hamilton for my consultation about the clinical trial. Let's get on with it. The sooner I can meet with the doc, the sooner we can start blasting these damn cancer cells. Once that happens, the fluid will also dissipate. Maybe with dates and an action plan, my fighting spirit will re-emerge.

I also feel extremely tired. Despite sleeping in today - something I rarely do - I feel worn out. I think my body is doing its best to fight the cancer. Of course, lugging around the extra weight from the fluid probably doesn't help.

But I did swim in the lake yesterday, which is something I wanted to do before I started chemotherapy and the activity becomes verboten. I may try to squeeze in another beach visit before treatment starts.

Although, I've already decided I'm not going to put my life on hold as much this summer. I'm going to do whatever I can do. What is swimming in the chemically-balanced pool in my backyard going to do? Kill me? Ha! I didn't do things last summer in anticipation that I'd beat the cancer and do them this summer. Look where that got me.

So I'll continue to trudge (some would argue waddle) along with my rapidly filling body and do the best I can. I'll also try to gear up for the next fight of my life. It's all I can really do right now.

Tina