The return of optimism

Optimism is slowly seeping into my spirit. A week after being told my cancer is back, and dealing with the negative emotional side effects, I'm returning to the glass-is-half-full type of girl that I naturally am.

I'm still sad and scared. I still think the situation is entirely unfair. But, thanks to the help of my family and friends, I'm easing away from being shell shocked.

I went to my cancer survivor group meeting last night. At first I wondered if I should go because, with my cancer back, I thought I was a survivor imposter. But then I realized that from the moment I was diagnosed with cancer until the day it claims me, I am a survivor. It hasn't bested me.

My fellow survivors hugged me, commiserated with me, said keep fighting, proclaimed they believe in me and offered to pray for me. I met these new friends eight short weeks ago and now they're willingly another secret weapon in my aresenal against cancer.

The meeting last night seemed to be a turning point for me. On the way home, I noticed the colour of the sky again, I felt happy and almost at peace.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not at peace with the cancer and I'm going to fight it with every cell in my being. But I'm past the shock and ready to try to live each day with joy and wonder. It doesn't matter if I have 100 days, 1,000 days or 10,000 days, I have to make the most of each one and appreciate what it brings me. (By the way, 10,000 days is 27 years. That sounds pretty good to me.)

Now that I'm slowly turning back into optimistic Tina, warrior Tina can't be far behind. I suspect that particular part of my personality will return when I have an action plan. I have my fingers crossed the doctor's office will call today and get the ball rolling.

Even though my situation isn't good (more on that and the results of my CT scan in another blog), I am not rolling over. I haven't been told by my doctor that I only have x months. I have been given no specific time frame. So I'm going into treatment believing my time to love life and the people in it is years, not months.

Believe me, I have lots to be thankful for and enjoy.

Tina