Monday, May 11, 2009

H-day

Yup, the day I was dreading arrived. My hair starting coming out in clumps in my hands in the shower this morning. I knew it was coming. Every day for the past week, I've tugged on my locks to see if the strands were loose. Yesterday, when I performed the procedure, six to 10 hairs came out without resistance. It freaked Michael out a bit and he told me to stop.

Despite knowing alopecia (fancy word for hair loss) is a guaranteed side effect of the Carboplatin chemo drug, it's still pretty darn tramatic when it actually happens. Some small part of me is relieved it's arrived (yet not over as I'll explain later.)

But as I stood in the shower for 45 minutes, I experienced horror as I placed big clumps of hair in a Shoppers' Drug Mart bag, extreme sadness that I have to go through this and frustration because I couldn't get it all to come out. At the beginning, I was gentle, rubbing my hands gently through my hair. After about half an hour, I was angry and began roughly pulling it out in clumps.

But it wouldn't all come out. I gave up trying when the water ran cold. I towelled off and ran past the mirror without looking at my reflection. I didn't want to know how horrendous I looked.

I called my sister-in-law, Margaret, begging for a head shave ASAP. She encouraged me to go look in the mirror while on the phone with her. I was horrified. I look like Brad Pitt in the Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I have this big bald spot right in the front of my head. I could still have bangs (wouldn't that be an attractive look?) and it looks as though I have a really short haircut everywhere else.

I think I'll make another attempt later when the hot water replenishes and my scalp recovers - it's a bit red right now. What doesn't go this during this afternoon's shower will be subject to Margaret's ministrations around 4 p.m. today.

So here I sit, with a baseball cap on. If I went out, no one could tell I'm going bald (I have enough hair sticking out). I have the hebie jeebies because I have hair everywhere; like after a hair cut when the little bits are hanging around inside your clothes and scalp. And my poor bathtub needs a good rinsing down.

I think it'll be better when I'm bald. But who knows exactly how I'll feel. With my hair loss, there's no denying I'm undergoing treatment for cancer because no other treatment plan produces this side effect. It's a reality check.

And as open as I am about my diagnosis and treatment via my blog, complete strangers will know I have cancer when I go out in public. Unless I wear a wig, which isn't in my current plans, it'll be public knowledge. I've been warned some people will stare. Others will exude sympathy.

I'm a little nervous about leaving my house now, but I can't be a shut in. I know you will all be sympathetic, but I feel anxious about seeing friends too. I expect some of my friends will share a laugh with me at my bald pate (when I'm ready to laugh).

I'm sure I'll adapt - I have to get used to it. I have a life to live.

Your hair-challenged friend,
Tina

7 comments:

  1. Darlin girl. What a traumatic morning for you, but you know "bald is beautiful".

    You most certainly have a life to live, and part of that life is outside your home. You can do this. I know you can. You are a strong and vibrant women. I know you have days when you think this just isn't fair, but I want you to remember that this is just a bend in the road,and soon it will straighten out, and you will be back at work, living the life you have planned for yourself.

    I am going to find you a special scarf for your head, although I am sure you have lots.

    Keep the faith darlin girl.

    Love Jane

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  2. Hi Honey
    well, today is the day... actually, I knew after speaking with you last night that you would either wake up with a pillow full or it would be at the bottom of the shower. Honey, it's just another day,,, one more day to add to your diary, one more day to add to your blog. We have joked about this day, we have each cried about this day, but thats what it is,,, just another day. You will survive this one as you did your first chemo day.. It's just the fear of the unknown. Take it for experiencing something totally different, totally new that hopefully you will never have to do again. So my girl, wipe away your tears, push back your fears, hold your head high and proud and say over and over, I can beat this, it won't beat me. You are too strong and vibrant for this to put a damper on your day, plus Margaret will be there at 4:00..
    Pete and I will be there this week as soon as we can.
    I love you (MY PRECIOUS!!)
    XOXO

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  3. Hi Sweety
    well, yes today is the day, but tomorrow is another day. And you will see, after finishing the chemo your hair will growing very fast after a few weeks and your hair gona be so beauty you can not imagine. And, whats wrong with it if strange people on the street can see you have cancer? No one will beat you for this. Keep your Head upright, you havent to hide yourself or log yourself in your house. And Margaret will be there in a few hours.
    Love you and a special BIG HUG from the other side of the Ocean.
    Renate

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  4. I'm on my way with the Sharpies :)
    Hang tough. Just a sign that the chemo is doing it's job. Hard on the follicles, hard on the cancer. Hopefully the cancer cells are all screaming in pain as we speak, dying horrifically.

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  5. oh my! my journalism sister is going to cring at the it's....my sincerest apologies!

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  6. HA HA HA!!! we actually had a whole conversation about that a few weeks ago,,, it's vs its' vs its... you obviously know it's one of her sore points!!

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  7. Hello dear....my thoughts are with you! I know you will look absolutely STUNNING with your new look when Margaret is done. I wish I were there to run my hands through it (I love that feeling of a brushed/bald cut)...and one thing I know for sure, is when your hair grows back...it will be SO AMAZING! I heard its much softer, and thicker...

    In our culture, we shave the hair completely as a rite of passage...and I had mine done at 4 months, Nishaa at one year...and Deeya at 5 months...the girls looked great. Brings out the eyes!! And man, oh man..you have got some beautiful eyes, my dear!

    This is, for you, a rite of passage...as Angie said...knowing that the chemo is doing its job!

    I love you darling...I am sure you will have the best hats and scarves! :-)

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